Tag Archives: Life

Life Lesson #10: What to Expect When You’re Expecting? Judgment.

Love must be in the air this spring, because Mrs. Judge Mental has received several questions relating to the birds and bees. Mrs. Judge Mental has not so far been blessed with any children of her own, but she has seen several episodes of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant on TLC, and she’s prepared to dispense her best advice on dealing with pregnancy and childbirth. My best advice is don’t get pregnant (unless you really want to). And by “really want to” I mean “can provide for a child in a stable environment,” not “told the audience of The Maury Povich Show that you want to have a baby even though you’re just 14.” Ideal conditions for getting pregnant involve having a stable partner and/or a steady source of legal income, and the desire to stay up all night while a tiny human screams for no reason until you …

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Life Lesson #9: Gas Station Manager Syndrome

I received this distress signal from a reader: Dear Mrs. Judge Mental: I recently joined a community service organization, and the person in charge is driving me batty! Here I am VOLUNTEERING my time and talents, and the leader of the group is a total control freak, bossing everyone around. If things don’t improve, I’m afraid a mutiny is in order! Help me! “” Beat Up in Boston   Dear Beat Up, Gentle Reader, thank you for your letter. It’s very likely that the person you describe has a case of Gas Station Manager Syndrome (GSMS). GSMS is a phenomenon by which a small-minded person comes to be in charge of an insignificant thing, causing him to behave like a pompous jerkface. Gas Station Manager Syndrome is a serious epidemic affecting our community. GSMs discount all opinions that are not their own, grab onto their tiny corner of the universe, …

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Life Lesson #8: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

I’ve dedicated a few of these unsolicited advice columns to the art of romance, but there comes a time in every relationship to either crap or get off the pot. I’m a big believer in things just happening naturally and not doing too much work, so if you’re six months into a relationship and it seems like it’s not working out, it might be time to give up. You’re not going to mold your Larry the Cable Guy into Ryan Gosling or your Roseanne Barr into Megan Fox, so stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and BREAK UP ALREADY. “But how can I break my sweetiekin’s heart?” you ask. “How can I tear my love muffin to pieces?” Easy. 1. Accentuate the negative. Make a list of all of your honey bear’s negative traits. Don’t stop until you get to 50. Saying “idear” for idea, …

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Life Lesson #7: Weddings for Dummies

My good friend Ruby42 is getting married this month. She was nice enough to do a reading at my wedding and cross-stitch me a sampler that says, “It’s not a crack house, it’s a crack home,” so I am contractually obligated to attend. As the date draws nearer, she is, of course, freaking the hell out. Hey, it happens to the best of us. Since I have weddings on my mind, I have decided to share with you, gentle readers, Mrs. Judge Mental’s unsolicited advice for those getting married and those planning to attend. To the guests: Show up, smile, and behave yourself. Don’t create any drama. Don’t tell the groom, just before the ceremony, that his fiancée is a dirty slut and she’s not good enough for him. Don’t tell everyone about the prenuptial agreement or that you banged the bride once in college. Don’t wear a tuxedo T-shirt. …

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Life Lesson #6: Mardi Gras Tips for the Newly Grown-Up

This month, Louisiana will spend a long weekend solidifying its position as America’s most alcoholic state. Whether you’re considering a trip to the Big Easy for the weekend, or you’re just going to hit up the Spanish Town parade, I feel the time has come to help you learn to have fun like a grown-up. You don’t have to wait until Lent to give up getting hammered and making poor choices. That’s why I am offering my Professional Life Coachâ„¢ advice here, lest you wind up passed out in the French Quarter with some jackass’ man parts rubbed in your face. In the words of every beer commercial ever: Please drink responsibly. You don’t have to be a stuffed shirt. You can still cut loose, but you should give moderation a try. The key is to find a balance between dancing topless on a table and being the uptight guy …

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Life Lesson #5: New Year’s Resolutions

You’ve survived the holidays, and you’re probably thinking about making some resolutions to improve yourself and your life in 2012. No one is more qualified than Mrs. Judge Mental, Your Professional Life Coachâ„¢, to help you make the most of your empty pledges to change your life. Some of the most common New Year’s resolutions involve weight loss. It’s not surprising since Americans are the fattest people ever in the history of humans. These rules are Mrs. Judge Mental’s best strategies for losing weight: Rule #1: Never eat anything that can be purchased in a Circle K store. Funyuns, delicious though they may be, are not part of a complete breakfast, and ICEEs are not what’s for dinner. Honey-roasted cashews are delicious, for sure, but they’re not going to help you lose a notch on your belt. Plan your meals ahead of time, be mindful of what you’re eating, and …

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