Tag Archives: Current Events

LA Legislature to Star in Deep Throat Remake

The Louisiana Legislature has been cast in the starring role of an updated version of the legendary adult film Deep Throat. Vivid Entertainment owner Steven Hirsch said the legislature was the perfect choice to reprise the role made famous by Linda Lovelace in the groundbreaking movie originally released in 1972. “They’re perfect for this project,” Hirsch said. “Since the start of this legislative session, they’ve been getting the governor’s huge agenda shoved down their throat, and they’ve taken it like a champ. I wish I had more performers like that on contract.” Hirsch said he also was considering offering a four-movie deal to the State Capitol building. “Have you seen that thing?” Hirsch exclaimed. “It is hung! And apparently has no trouble staying hard, either.”

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Jindal Cited in Not Picking Up Legislative Lapdog’s Excrement

The Great Big Story Governor Bobby Jindal was reprimanded by BREC officials after he failed to properly dispose of a legislative ally’s feces during an outing at the popular Raising Cane’s Dog Park at City Park last month. Jindal was reportedly taking Rep. Steve Carter (R-Baton Rouge) out for a walk and some exercise after the House Education Committee chairman had been cooped up all day in the State Capitol chairing meetings. Witnesses said Carter dropped a rather sizable pile of solid waste in the park not long after arriving with the governor. He then allegedly spent the next several minutes frolicking about the park and sniffing rear ends. [pullquote]“The governor was just really distracted that day,” Plotkin said. “From now on, he’ll make sure Policy Director Stafford Palmieri does the scooping.”[/pullquote] Jindal reportedly took Carter back to the Capitol without cleaning up the mess. Officials with BREC later called …

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With LSU Beer a No-go, SU Introduces “Jag Juice”

In the wake of plans for an LSU beer going flat, Southern University Chancellor Dr. James Llorens announced the school is planning to brew its own alcoholic beverage. Only days after LSU Chancellor Michael Martin announced the university would no longer pursue the introduction of the much-anticipated, LSU-licensed Bandit Blonde Ale, Llorens told reporters that Southern will roll out an officially licensed spirit called “Jag Juice” later this year. Llorens said the goal is to help make up for recent deep budget cuts that led to the current state of financial emergency. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we just started laying people off around here,” Llorens said. “We figured we had do something since the governor sure doesn’t seem interested in helping us out.” [pullquote]“We quickly realized selling jambalaya or chicken dinners just wouldn’t make up for the shortfall.[/pullquote] Llorens said they considered other revenue streams, but ultimately …

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Stanford Declared Competent to Use Bathroom Unassisted

The Great Big Story HOUSTON “” U.S. District Judge David Hittner ruled last month that jailed Texas financier R. Allen Stanford is sufficiently capable of wiping his own ass. Hittner’s decision came after a nearly three-day competency hearing for the disgraced financier who stands trial this month in allegedly bilking investors out of $7.2 billion in a massive Ponzi scheme. A hygiene expert who supervised Stanford during and after his bowel movements in prison testified the businessman is sufficiently competent to clean up after himself. Stanford’s legal team argued that its client needed assistance using the bathroom because he doesn’t remember how to wipe his behind. Ali R. Fazil, one of Stanford’s attorneys, claimed the former billionaire had been paying someone to clean his rear end for so long he no longer knew how to do it himself. Additionally, four medical experts who testified on Stanford’s behalf, including a urologist …

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Jindal, Alabama Governor Wager Funds vs. Bryant’s Remains

Governors Bobby Jindal and Robert Bentley (of Alabama) have placed a friendly wager involving federal funds and the remains of legendary Alabama football coach Paul “Bear” Bryant on the outcome of the BCS National Championship Game. Jindal agreed to give Bentley $50 million in federal matching highway funds if the Alabama Crimson Tide beats the Fighting Tigers of LSU in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome on January 9. However, if the Tigers prevail in the title game, Bentley will sign an executive order to exhume Bryant’s remains and turn them over for perpetuity to the state of Louisiana. Political analysts believe it’s a win-win bet for Jindal. “If he loses the bet, he bolsters his stance as a fiscal conservative by rejecting money from D.C.,” LSU political scientist Wayne Parent said. “And if he wins, he gets the Bear’s bones, thus virtually guaranteeing that he’ll be remembered as the greatest governor in …

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