Tag Archives: Advice

Life Lesson #7: Weddings for Dummies

My good friend Ruby42 is getting married this month. She was nice enough to do a reading at my wedding and cross-stitch me a sampler that says, “It’s not a crack house, it’s a crack home,” so I am contractually obligated to attend. As the date draws nearer, she is, of course, freaking the hell out. Hey, it happens to the best of us. Since I have weddings on my mind, I have decided to share with you, gentle readers, Mrs. Judge Mental’s unsolicited advice for those getting married and those planning to attend. To the guests: Show up, smile, and behave yourself. Don’t create any drama. Don’t tell the groom, just before the ceremony, that his fiancée is a dirty slut and she’s not good enough for him. Don’t tell everyone about the prenuptial agreement or that you banged the bride once in college. Don’t wear a tuxedo T-shirt. …

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Pajama Jeans

Reality is only slightly uglier than reality TV. Want proof? Picture this scenario if you would, please. Location: Your bedroom, 2012. You’re reclined in bed, gorging on Ben & Jerry’s and watching reruns of Real Desperate Housewives of Pigeon Forge. As Penelepe Luffletwatz, heir to a vast pork rind empire, is blowing a wad of cash on a bronze-covered taxidermy statue of her late, award-winning stud goat Blaine, you contemplate your life and how all of your actions throughout the years have lead you to the place where you are right at this moment, and you experience a sad but common thought: Why isn’t my name written in Diamonique on my teeth? Why don’t I have 22-inch rims on my Mercury Cougar? Why didn’t I think to invent Booty Pops? Why can’t that be me? Why can’t I be famous? We’ve all thought that thought at one point in our …

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Life Lesson #6: Mardi Gras Tips for the Newly Grown-Up

This month, Louisiana will spend a long weekend solidifying its position as America’s most alcoholic state. Whether you’re considering a trip to the Big Easy for the weekend, or you’re just going to hit up the Spanish Town parade, I feel the time has come to help you learn to have fun like a grown-up. You don’t have to wait until Lent to give up getting hammered and making poor choices. That’s why I am offering my Professional Life Coachâ„¢ advice here, lest you wind up passed out in the French Quarter with some jackass’ man parts rubbed in your face. In the words of every beer commercial ever: Please drink responsibly. You don’t have to be a stuffed shirt. You can still cut loose, but you should give moderation a try. The key is to find a balance between dancing topless on a table and being the uptight guy …

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Uggs

Every season, “celebrities” flaunt what they deem to be the latest and greatest in have-to-have-it wear. One cleverly snapped photo of a decked-out harlot “” I mean, starlet, and by one, I mean 212 “” and everyone is rushing off to beg Daddy or the nearest guy down at the truck stop for the money to dress just like Miley or Kim or Britney. Gobs and gobs of money are spent to look just like them, and the rest of us nonsheeple are left scratching our heads and wondering what the damn fuss is all about. This month, we will be taking a look at one of the “must have” trends that just won’t end: Uggs (or as I like to think of them, the most tasteless thing to come out of Australia since vegemite). If you’ve been living under a rock or reading books or jerking off to Skyrim and …

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Life Lesson #5: New Year’s Resolutions

You’ve survived the holidays, and you’re probably thinking about making some resolutions to improve yourself and your life in 2012. No one is more qualified than Mrs. Judge Mental, Your Professional Life Coachâ„¢, to help you make the most of your empty pledges to change your life. Some of the most common New Year’s resolutions involve weight loss. It’s not surprising since Americans are the fattest people ever in the history of humans. These rules are Mrs. Judge Mental’s best strategies for losing weight: Rule #1: Never eat anything that can be purchased in a Circle K store. Funyuns, delicious though they may be, are not part of a complete breakfast, and ICEEs are not what’s for dinner. Honey-roasted cashews are delicious, for sure, but they’re not going to help you lose a notch on your belt. Plan your meals ahead of time, be mindful of what you’re eating, and …

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Life Lesson #4: Holiday Coping Mechanisms

You’re now a successful, employed, sexually active adult. You’re welcome for all that, by the way. I have been waiting for your thank you notes, but so far, nothing. Maybe you’ve been too busy playing Modern Warfare, but the holidays are approaching, and soon you will be subjected to countless hours of holiday gatherings. You’ll be obligated to attend meals and parties when you’d really much rather be sitting on the couch watching the cartoon version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas! and drinking Jim Beam straight out of the bottle. In the spirit of the season, I give this gift to you: my secrets for surviving the holidays with your sanity and self-respect intact. The vast majority of you will be invited to a large family meal at the home of an aunt, grandmother, or other distant relative. Family Dinner is a minefield of weirdness, and navigating it without …

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Life Lesson #3: Dating

In the past couple of months, I’ve helped you move out on your own and get a job. You’re welcome. If you’re ready to take the next step toward living a more perfect life, you might be thinking about dating, but finding a date can be a challenge. Traditionally, people met their mates in bars, maybe sometimes even at church, but people are increasingly turning to the internet to play matchmaker. The only problem is that most of the people looking for dates online are whores, crazy, or both.[1] While it may be true that most people outside of the internet are also crazy whores without home training, something about the anonymity of the internet brings these characteristics to the surface. A quick glance at tonight’s Craigslist postings finds every kink and fetish imaginable, right here in Baton Rouge “” things I couldn’t possibly repeat in a family magazine like …

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