Tag Archives: Advice

Life Lesson #10: What to Expect When You’re Expecting? Judgment.

Love must be in the air this spring, because Mrs. Judge Mental has received several questions relating to the birds and bees. Mrs. Judge Mental has not so far been blessed with any children of her own, but she has seen several episodes of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant on TLC, and she’s prepared to dispense her best advice on dealing with pregnancy and childbirth. My best advice is don’t get pregnant (unless you really want to). And by “really want to” I mean “can provide for a child in a stable environment,” not “told the audience of The Maury Povich Show that you want to have a baby even though you’re just 14.” Ideal conditions for getting pregnant involve having a stable partner and/or a steady source of legal income, and the desire to stay up all night while a tiny human screams for no reason until you …

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Prom Baby Fashion and Life Advice for New Parents

So, it’s that time of year again. No, I am not talking about summer or Disney vacations with the family. No, dear readers, the topic this month is one near and dear to my snarky heart: prom baby season! Like the scent of Gold Bond in a fat man’s drawers, early summer can be counted on to bring its yearly onslaught of knocked-up teens. With barely a moment to think in between finals and sticks turning blue, what is a teen to do? There are so many questions to be asked, so few good, upstanding citizens to turn to for rational answers. Well, fret no more, Spread ‘Em Sally: Your Auntie Ruby is here to help with all your important life questions. Please put down your iPhone and pay attention while I drop some reality your way, both fashion- and non-fashion-related. What should I name my baby? This is a …

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Life Lesson #9: Gas Station Manager Syndrome

I received this distress signal from a reader: Dear Mrs. Judge Mental: I recently joined a community service organization, and the person in charge is driving me batty! Here I am VOLUNTEERING my time and talents, and the leader of the group is a total control freak, bossing everyone around. If things don’t improve, I’m afraid a mutiny is in order! Help me! “” Beat Up in Boston   Dear Beat Up, Gentle Reader, thank you for your letter. It’s very likely that the person you describe has a case of Gas Station Manager Syndrome (GSMS). GSMS is a phenomenon by which a small-minded person comes to be in charge of an insignificant thing, causing him to behave like a pompous jerkface. Gas Station Manager Syndrome is a serious epidemic affecting our community. GSMs discount all opinions that are not their own, grab onto their tiny corner of the universe, …

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Gym Shorts

No matter how many vitamins you take, how many condoms or diaphragms you buy, or how selective you are with the people you keep company with, one thing is for certain. At some point in your life, no matter how careful you are or how much you try to live a clean life and protect yourself from communicable diseases, you will get Fashion Syphilis. What is Fashion Syphilis, you ask? Well, let Dr. Ruby explain. You know that sensation you get in your eyes or that queasy, nauseous feeling you get in your stomach when you see someone publicly dressed in an offensive, inappropriate, or alarming manner? That is Fashion Syphilis. Try as you might to avoid the effects, the infected party manages to spread sickness to all that witness her disease. Consider this scenario: You are in a bar, minding your own business with your friends and a few pitchers …

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Life Lesson #8: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

I’ve dedicated a few of these unsolicited advice columns to the art of romance, but there comes a time in every relationship to either crap or get off the pot. I’m a big believer in things just happening naturally and not doing too much work, so if you’re six months into a relationship and it seems like it’s not working out, it might be time to give up. You’re not going to mold your Larry the Cable Guy into Ryan Gosling or your Roseanne Barr into Megan Fox, so stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and BREAK UP ALREADY. “But how can I break my sweetiekin’s heart?” you ask. “How can I tear my love muffin to pieces?” Easy. 1. Accentuate the negative. Make a list of all of your honey bear’s negative traits. Don’t stop until you get to 50. Saying “idear” for idea, …

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Wedding Edition

Before you know it, wedding season will be upon us, and for those of you out there who are newly engaged or thinking about becoming so, take some advice from a newlywed and start your wedding planning now. Like NOW now, as in “the stick just turned blue” or “I think I may get deported” or “damn, my boyfriend’s physician co-pays are way cheaper than my insurance and they cover breast augmentation” now. I don’t really care what you decide to eat or what your musical preferences are. All that is subject to personal tastes and cultural or religious preferences, and really, none of that is relevant whatsoever to why I am mediating this pre-intervention for you. What I am here to talk to you specifically about is your wedding attire. No one is going to remember that you served French onion soup made out of Wonder bread, Funyuns, and spray cheese …

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