Sphincter Spotlight

In a bid to claim the title of “World's most egotistical dad,” Jeremiah Heaton planted a flag on some godforsaken corner of the world so his daughter could become a “princess.”

Massachusetts lawmakers dashed a recent court ruling declaring even scumbags have certain, unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of clandestine hoohah pictures.

Sorrento Mayor Mike Lambert and 80% of the Town Council are nothing but a bunch of lily-livered, feckless backstabbers trying to bully Police Chief Earl Theriot into resigning.

They took down the "MILE 420" sign along Interstate 70 and replaced it with a sign that reads "MILE 419.99." That's BOGUS, man!

The DOTD is nothing but a bunch of sadistic jerks who like redesigning highways just to screw with Louisiana's less-than-intelligent drivers. Case in point: The new J-turns in Ascension Parish.

Some upstart who sometimes writes under the nom de plum "TLO Red'ness" has dared besmirch the good name of our modern-day cinematic Shakespeare, Tyler Perry.

Everyone knows that BMWs and huge pricks go together like peanut butter and jelly. That’s why we were shocked to learn a San Francisco man is suing BMW, claiming a four-hour ride on one of its motorcycles resulted in him having an erection for the past two years. In a lawsuit filed in California Superior Court in April, 52-year-old Henry Wolf blames an after-market ridge-like seat mounted on his 1993 BMW bike for causing an acute case of priapism “” a persistent, lasting erection. Wolf claims both BMW and Corbin-Pacific, the seat’s manufacturer, are responsible for causing him emotional distress and “continuing problems” since the 2010 bike ride. The suit says that Wolf “is now unable to engage in sexual activity, which is causing him substantial emotional and mental anguish,” and that he’s seeking damages for lost wages, personal injury, medical expenses, product liability, and negligent infliction of emotional distress. …

Poor Alabama. As if breaking their brand-new BCS crystal football trophy wasn’t embarrassing enough, now the state alcoholic beverage control agency has banned the sale of Dirty Bastard beer, claiming the label is profane, even though you can buy Fat Bastard wine there. Bob Martin, an attorney with the Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board, said beer and wine are commonly sold in grocery and convenience stores where anyone can see the labels. He claimed staff members rejected the brand because parents may not want their innocent kids to see such language. “That’s the whole reason for the rule, to keep dirty pictures and dirty words away from children,” Martin said. “Personally, I believe the staff made the right call.” Yes, the state must protect kids there from profane imagery. Otherwise, they might grow up and put their testicles in the mouths of passed-out LSU fans. [pullquote]Yes, the state must protect …