Mostly genuine takes on genuine issues.

Susanna Barrett

Pageant parents have become popular punching bags in America. However, one mom’s fighting back with a $30 million lawsuit against three media outlets for “brazenly attempt[ing] to sexualize” her 5-year-old daughter by posting a video of the girl performing LMFAO’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It” at the New York City night spot Libation. Puppy boutique owner Susanna Barrett is bravely defending the good name of her daughter, Toddlers & Tiaras star Isabella Barrett, by suing TMZ.com, The Huffington Post, and London’s Daily Mail. Barrett filed the libel suit against the journalistic juggernauts in Manhattan Supreme Court late last month for scandalous online articles published about the girl, claiming “she was “˜gyrating’ at a “˜nightclub’ and singing “˜about her sex appeal.'” Barrett is totally justified in seeking $30 million. The video clearly shows the kindergartner was actually sitting down in a nightclub/bistro while simply singing a song titled “I’m Sexy …

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Canyons School District

The sports world has seen more than its share of teams, for various reasons, change their mascots. However, when it comes to being overly sensitive about a school’s team name, the Canyons School District in Draper, UT, takes the proverbial cake “¦ so long as it’s not a coffee cake. Members of the school district last month rejected a proposal that would have made the Cougar the mascot of Draper’s new high school, slated to open in 2013. Now why would they veto the idea, despite Cougar getting the most votes for school mascot from future students? You guessed it. They thought it would be offensive to some middle-aged women. Yep, due to Courteney Cox and Demi Moore raising awareness of the term to the point that it registers on sheltered-Mormon-mom radar, school district members got calls and emails from uptight parents and members of the community opposing the Cougar …

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Bused or Bust?

Let me start by saying that if you don’t get this month’s cover because you don’t know who Sarah McLachlan is and/or have never seen her famously depressing ASPCA commercial, I envy you, but not because I don’t like her music. (Of course, even if I didn’t like her music, I still wouldn’t say so. I wouldn’t want to piss off my lesbian friends.) No, I envy you because you’re still capable of hearing the song “Angel” without disturbing images of abused and neglected cats and dogs coming to mind. Seriously, for millions of people like me, that song is forever inextricably linked to shivering, emaciated puppies. That commercial is by far the most depressing thing ever aired on American TV, even more so than all the Waltons reunion movies put together. Watching that entire commercial is enough to make Zig Ziglar tap a keg of Zoloft. It’s almost as …

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J&D Foods

After much cajoling by the public, the folks at J&D Foods in Seattle have launched the world’s first bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil. Thanks to the people who also make Bacon Salt and Baconnaise, bacon lovers (literally) can now order Baconlube, which has many more uses than even its creators seemingly realize. The company’s website says, “Baconlube started as an elaborate April Fool’s prank and was never intended to be a real product. But when the joke ended, the emails kept coming. People harassed us via email, in public, and in highly inappropriate ways.” What J&D’s people don’t seem to recognize is that they’ve created a product with a plethora of uses. Baconlube is almost as versatile as baking soda. They just don’t know it yet. Are you worried that the Middle Eastern guy you’re about to shag may be a jihadist looking for one last fling with an …

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Clear Channel

For countless sports radio listeners and callers, as well as a handful of local hosts, the 2012 apocalypse came at the very beginning of the year instead of late December. That’s because, without warning, Clear Channel turned 1210 AM The Score into a gospel station in the wee hours of New Year’s morning. The huge media conglomerate reportedly switched the station’s format right as the new year was rung in, only nine days from the biggest weekend in Louisiana sports history. And it did it without declaring its intention to do so to any of the hosts who made their living on the airwaves. What a “Christian” way to introduce the new “Hallelujah 1210″ to the Baton Rouge community. Exactly how many underpowered, static-filled gospel stations does this city need? This latest one makes at least four. What, is the music they broadcast so powerful that if it were broadcast …

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Is It in You? No? Good. Keep It That Way.

I initially thought about using this month’s column to suggest various personalized New Year’s resolutions to different people. For instance, perhaps Mike Ditka should resolve to enunciate the last two syllables of his sentences. It’s just a suggestion. However, after noticing a disturbing trend, I’ve decided to suggest just one resolution for everyone: Stop letting strange people inject strange stuff into your body! No, I’m not talking about drunk college girls letting frat boys inject just the tip, although that might be a good idea. I’m actually referring to a couple of recent stories involving silicone injections performed by highly unlicensed professional fake doctors. The first story involves Oneal Ron Morris, a transgendered woman who allegedly preyed on the transgender community by posing as a doctor. According to the Sun Sentinel, Morris injected as many as 30 people with all sorts of things, including cement, Super Glue, mineral oil, and …

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