Opinion

Mostly genuine takes on genuine issues.

Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board

Poor Alabama. As if breaking their brand-new BCS crystal football trophy wasn’t embarrassing enough, now the state alcoholic beverage control agency has banned the sale of Dirty Bastard beer, claiming the label is profane, even though you can buy Fat Bastard wine there. Bob Martin, an attorney with the Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board, said beer and wine are commonly sold in grocery and convenience stores where anyone can see the labels. He claimed staff members rejected the brand because parents may not want their innocent kids to see such language. “That’s the whole reason for the rule, to keep dirty pictures and dirty words away from children,” Martin said. “Personally, I believe the staff made the right call.” Yes, the state must protect kids there from profane imagery. Otherwise, they might grow up and put their testicles in the mouths of passed-out LSU fans. [pullquote]Yes, the state must protect …

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So Much for Staying Together for the Kids

I typically don’t talk about education, mainly because I don’t have kids. But then again, neither does Oprah, so maybe that makes me an expert just like her. In any case, I find it quite troubling that we could very well soon have five separate public school districts within East Baton Rouge Parish. That’s five times the number of Dairy Queens in the whole damn parish, for Christ’s sake! Seriously, five school districts to one sorry Dairy Queen? And it’s not even a full-fledged stand-alone DQ! It’s one of those crappy quasi-DQs embedded in a gas station, conveniently located in “” of all places “” Central. Of the countless parishes, counties, and townships across this country that have at least one DQ, do we really want to be the only one with a 5:1 school district-to-Dairy Queen ratio? I know, I know, there are supposed to be more DQs opening …

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Haley Wade

In this presidential primary season, we’ve seen political pandering taken to new heights, especially by Republican front-runner Mitt Romney. However, when it comes to sucking up to voters, this month’s Hero takes the urinal cake, namely because she complimented countless guys’ genitalia during restroom visits. Sure, the former governor of Massachusetts may be the most famous brownnosing office seeker today, but telling folks in Mississippi that he likes cheesy grits and saying “y’all” is nowhere near as brilliant a political strategy as the one employed by a female student at the University of Calgary. Haley Wade won the election for vice-president of student life with 50 percent of the vote after running a masterfully ingenious campaign that placed posters above men’s urinals. The posters showed a photo of Wade beaming with an approving smile and playfully pointing at the viewer. The posters also featured the tagline “Great dick bro!” … …

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North St. Paul-Maplewood-Oakdale School District

Thanks to a capricious decision by this month’s Sphincter, a Minnesota high school student won’t be allowed to realize his goal of going to his senior prom with a bona fide porn star who agreed to go as his date after several girls at his school turned him down. Officials with the North St. Paul-Maplewood-Oakdale School District aren’t just buzz killers. They’re boner killers, to boot. It all started when the aforementioned girls at Tartan High School rejected 18-year-old Mike Stone’s copious invitations to accompany him to the senior prom. That’s when he did what several people have recently done: request a date with a celebrity through social media. Mike asked 600 porn stars to be his prom date via Twitter. He promised them a grand evening, tweeting, “I have dinner hotel and ill give u a massage to.” What adult actress in her right mind would say no? [pullquote]…even …

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Political Data

It would seem that the inevitable is even more inevitable now. Mitt Romney has all but wrapped up the GOP nomination for the presidency, thanks to a crap ton of super PAC money and underwhelming endorsements from people who really wish someone else worth endorsing would have run for president in the first place. For many Republicans, Romney may be a turd of a candidate, but he’s their turd. A very white turd. I, for one, am glad Romney will be the nominee. Sure, he’s neither likable nor interesting. Nevertheless, he is quite entertaining, in a quirky, offbeat, quasi-funny sort of way. Basically, Romney is the Napoleon Dynamite of the GOP, only instead of Pedro, he wants you to vote for him. And just like Napoleon Dynamite, Romney is a bit eccentric, especially for a rich guy running for president and trying to convince voters he’s just like them. Granted, …

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St. Helena Parish

Not that long ago, St. Helena Parish was best known for a string of scandals involving its sheriffs, including one named “Gun” who helped run a chop shop. Now, though, it’s home to one of the most amusing small-town comedies involving naked women since The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. The spectacle in this case revolves around the sparsely populated parish’s two strip clubs: Oak Ridge Lounge and The Mansion. They’re only nine miles apart and straddle the village of Montpelier, which has a population of just over 200 yet still qualifies as St. Helena’s second-largest city. With that kind of strip-club-per-capita ratio, maybe it should be renamed “Mountpoler.” Moreover, St. Helena’s an extremely rural parish, populated mostly with Protestants, and it lacks even a single mile of roadway wider than two lanes. It’s like someone snuck a piece of Arkansas into South Louisiana. Nevertheless, despite its meager number of …

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National Education Association

We’re featuring the National Education Association in this 100th edition of “Sphincter Spotlight” for besmirching a woman whose sphincter has been in the spotlight countless times. The NEA recently rejected funds to promote reading because they were tied to former porn star Sasha Grey and the movie Anal Artists. The adult film was debuted last month by Assence Films. Although Grey retired from the industry in April, it features one of her scenes. In support of Grey’s “recent efforts to expose children to the world of literature,” (Grey was a celebrity guest reader in November at Emerson Elementary School in Compton, CA) Assence Films had planned on donating a portion of the film’s proceeds to the NEA’s Read Across America program. The NEA, however, flatly turned the offer down. In a statement to The Huffington Post, officials with the nation’s largest teachers union said, “no, thanks.” [pullquote]They had to go …

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C What We Did?

It truly is hard to believe this is the 100th issue of Red Shtick Magazine. This is such a big deal for a bunch of smartass upstarts like us, we’re commemorating it with a nonsmartass cover. No lampoon. No joke. Just the previous 99 covers in the background with the number 100 spelled out in three elements that best represent Baton Rouge: the State Capitol (politics), a king cake (culture/religion), and a football (sports/religion). Now before all you math whizzes out there starting wondering how a monthly publication could get to 100 issues when last month was our eighth anniversary issue, the answer is very simple: We started as a biweekly publication. However, it took only six biweekly issues to say “f””k that” and switch to monthly. So, yeah. This is kind of a big deal for us. Mainly because, from the get-go, we’ve had more than our fair share …

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