Off the Wire

The Great Big Story from our proprietary news service.

Guest Column: “What’s the Big Deal About Teabagging?” – Chad Cole, Frat Boy

Bruh, I’m sure you’ve heard about the passed-out LSU fan getting teabagged by a Bammer in a Krystal Burger in New Orleans after the BCS Championship game. Now the dude who did the ‘bagging has been fired, his wife left his ass, and he’s been charged with sexual assault? Dude, what’s the big deal? I mean, who hasn’t teabagged a passed-out bro? That’s not sexual assault. There’s nothing sexual at all about it. It’s a way to bond with another dude who happens to be unconscious and defenseless. We do it all the time at Nu Theta Sigma. Pledges get totally wasted at parties, they pass out, then we put our balls in their mouths while someone records it so the pledges can see it the next day. It’s all about bonding as bros. There’s nothing sexual about that! If it were sexual, it’d be gay since it’s all dudes, …

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Stanford Declared Competent to Use Bathroom Unassisted

The Great Big Story HOUSTON “” U.S. District Judge David Hittner ruled last month that jailed Texas financier R. Allen Stanford is sufficiently capable of wiping his own ass. Hittner’s decision came after a nearly three-day competency hearing for the disgraced financier who stands trial this month in allegedly bilking investors out of $7.2 billion in a massive Ponzi scheme. A hygiene expert who supervised Stanford during and after his bowel movements in prison testified the businessman is sufficiently competent to clean up after himself. Stanford’s legal team argued that its client needed assistance using the bathroom because he doesn’t remember how to wipe his behind. Ali R. Fazil, one of Stanford’s attorneys, claimed the former billionaire had been paying someone to clean his rear end for so long he no longer knew how to do it himself. Additionally, four medical experts who testified on Stanford’s behalf, including a urologist …

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Guest Column: “Give Spinosa Financing for Rouzan? I Don’t Think So!” – The Credit Clown

Wait up. Hold the phone. You mean to tell me Tommy Spinosa lost a $170 million Perkins Rowe foreclosure case, but he still has financing for Rouzan, and that’s gonna be in the neighborhood of around $300 million? That makes me want to slap somebody upside the head with a worn-out sock! Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for giving people second and third chances when it comes to bad credit. Hell, that’s my whole raison d’être, for f””k’s sake! I’ve approved financing for used cars for all sorts of people with jacked-up credit. It didn’t matter what was on their record “” divorce, bankruptcy, failed business. And that’s just Spinosa’s unpaid Perkins Rowe subcontractors! Hah, I’m just playin’. But seriously, yo, that sh””t is messed up. Honestly, if that dude Spinosa walked onto my lot and tried to get financing for the hooptiest piece of crap I got on …

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Jindal, Alabama Governor Wager Funds vs. Bryant’s Remains

Governors Bobby Jindal and Robert Bentley (of Alabama) have placed a friendly wager involving federal funds and the remains of legendary Alabama football coach Paul “Bear” Bryant on the outcome of the BCS National Championship Game. Jindal agreed to give Bentley $50 million in federal matching highway funds if the Alabama Crimson Tide beats the Fighting Tigers of LSU in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome on January 9. However, if the Tigers prevail in the title game, Bentley will sign an executive order to exhume Bryant’s remains and turn them over for perpetuity to the state of Louisiana. Political analysts believe it’s a win-win bet for Jindal. “If he loses the bet, he bolsters his stance as a fiscal conservative by rejecting money from D.C.,” LSU political scientist Wayne Parent said. “And if he wins, he gets the Bear’s bones, thus virtually guaranteeing that he’ll be remembered as the greatest governor in …

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