BACS

Louisiana’s X Games.

June 2012 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

With world-class athletes like NFL quarterback Tim Tebow and Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones recently hogging the news cycle with their blatant virginity, it’s refreshing to see the spotlight being grabbed once again by a woman who became famous by having lots and lots of sex in front of the camera. And no, we’re not talking about Kim Kardashian. Former adult film star Jenna Jameson was arrested and charged with suspicion of DUI in Southern California on May 25 after her vehicle reportedly struck a light pole. A police statement says a field sobriety test was conducted and there were signs of intoxication. The 38-year-old Jameson was reportedly booked and later cited and released. Since Jameson “” arguably THE porn queen of the ’90s “” sustained only minor injuries and refused medical treatment, let the porn star wisecracks begin. And the cops didn’t perform a Breathalyzer test? They should be fired …

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May 2012 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

We’ll be totally honest with you: This month’s crop of potential BACS contestants was pretty damn weak, at least by typical Baton Rouge drunk-driving standards. Hell, there wasn’t even a single 4th-offense DWI charge racked up, for crying out loud! With such paltry pickings at our disposal, perhaps it’s only appropriate that May’s honorable mention be a D-list celebrity with a waning acting career. Former child star Amanda Bynes was reportedly arrested last month after committing drunk driving’s cardinal sin: hitting a police car. According to a statement by Lt. William Nash, of the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Office, the 26-year-old Bynes was taken into custody around 3 a.m. April 6 after her black BMW struck the right rear quarter panel of a sheriff’s patrol car that was stopped at an intersection. The former star of Nickelodeon’s sketch comedy series All That apparently tried to pass to the right of …

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April 2012 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

First, there was the fad of butt chugging, where young adults consume alcohol by inserting vodka-soaked tampons into their rectums. Now, this month’s honorable mention ostensibly introduces us to a new phenomenon that’s sure to sweep the nation’s bars and taverns: butt-plug chugging. It’s when someone gets wasted, gets in a wreck, and gets arrested for drunk driving “¦ all while having a sex toy firmly inserted in his or her rear end. According to the Martin County Sheriff’s Office, 41-year-old Kevin Harold Brann, of Hobe Sound, FL, was arrested and charged with DUI after rear-ending another vehicle on February 24. Brann apparently rear-ended the other vehicle after rear-ending himself. The police report states Brann “had a sexual anus plug in his rectum, which he removed, or it fell out” in the back seat of the deputy’s cruiser following his arrest. At least he prepared himself for prison life before …

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March 2012 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

The previous 99 installments of the BACS have been chock-full of drunk-driving boobs, and our 100th is no different. This month, we’re literally featuring a pair of a pair of the biggest boobs belonging to intoxicated drivers we’ve ever encountered. While one woman blamed her large breasts for failing a field sobriety test, the other said her enormous, record-setting breasts saved her life in a DUI-related crash. Our first honorable mention with titanic tatas is 49-year-old Maureen Raymond, of Port St. Lucie, FL. According to reports, deputies with the Martin County Sheriff’s Office spotted Raymond’s Toyota Camry speeding and swerving through traffic, crossing double-yellow lines around 9:20 p.m. on January 29. After she stopped in a Walgreens parking lot, a deputy “detected the odor of an alcoholic beverage about” Raymond. Police also noticed her eyes were red and glassy. She was so BUSTed. But hey, it’s only natural that a …

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February 2012 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Some hockey players can’t help but repeatedly be sent to the penalty box. This month’s BACS honorable mention is the drunk-driving equivalent to an NHL goon. David Lakarnafeaux, of Imperial Beach, CA, was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving three times in five days last month. Just like in hockey, the longest Lakarnafeaux was kept in the penalty box was about five minutes. San Diego County sheriff’s deputies arrested the 44-year-old around 6:30 a.m. on Sunday, January 22 after responding to a report of a drunken driver in Imperial Beach. According to a sheriff’s spokesperson, deputies found that Lakarnafeaux had walked inside a bar. Apparently, people in there have never heard of “closing time.” Perhaps they cope with the unmitigated flow of illegals across the border with the unmitigated flow of alcohol. Lakarnafeaux didn’t just fall off the wagon; he drove that sumbitch into the ditch. It wasn’t long after …

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January 2012 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Despite pledging during his 2007 gubernatorial campaign to have “zero tolerance for ethical lapses” by his administrative appointees, Gov. Bobby Jindal has apparently mellowed in his old age. Either that or, now that’s he’s been reelected, he just doesn’t really give a rat’s ass that his commissioner of administration was arrested on a count of DWI and reportedly had a blood-alcohol level measuring more than twice the legal limit. In case you didn’t read it or hear about it last month, Jindal’s right-hand man, Paul Rainwater, was arrested and booked into Parish Prison at 1 a.m. on December 10 on counts of 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and failure to obey a stop sign or yield sign. Baton Rouge police said the 49-year-old Rainwater was pulled over on Kalurah Street near Christian Street the preceding evening after an officer spotted him running a stop sign and driving on …

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