Mental Vacation

A road trip through one man’s mind.

Now, Finally, a Choice!

Please allow me to take this opportunity to announce my candidacy for the presidency of the United States. This is a decision that I have not reached without many months of introspection and thorough soul-searching, in pursuit of an answer to this important question: “What jobs are available that are not only financially rewarding but also require the innate ability and skills necessary to delegate all the real work to other people?” Time and time again, I’ve arrived at the same answer “” the presidency. Some of you may recall that I ran for president in 2008. Rarely (OK, never) was I mentioned during that campaign as a viable presidential candidate. I attribute this intentional oversight to the liberal news media’s biased coverage against any candidate who, in their opinion, mentally speaking, “ain’t right.” When I first threw my hat in the ring in 2005, someone picked it up and …

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Coming Out

Nearly eight years ago, I tied a bandana around my face, donned a Mexican sombrero, and started writing this column, “Mental Vacation,” under the pen name of Antonio Winnebago. I used that name because I always liked the name Antonio, and Winnebago “¦ well, it rhymed with Antonio. The main reason I didn’t use my real name was out of fear of offending someone whom I did business with in my “day job.” I make my living as an attorney “” not as a humor writer. I know you’re probably thinking, “Well, Antonio, or Steve, or whatever the heck your real name is, if you were so afraid of offending someone, why are you confessing to the whole world that you are an attorney? What could be more offensive than that?” Well, let me tell you “” there are lots of things worse than being an attorney. For example, I …

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The Girl Who Laughed

Her laughter was infectious, like a virus that takes hold of your body and makes you give up everything your stomach and intestines have to offer, then leaves you alone “” spent and helpless. I’ll never forget the first time I saw her. It was the middle of August, and I was in a coffee shop having a medium latte with soy milk. She was sitting at a table across the shop, reading Mad Magazine and drinking an iced coffee. She was tall, with blue eyes and the most beautiful, curly, black hair I’d ever seen. So what? I wouldn’t have given her a second look, but when I was about to take my last sip of latte and walk out of the place, the shop became alive with the sound of laughter. I looked toward her. A short episode of snickering had given way to a burst of chuckling …

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Football: It’s Finger-Lickin’ Good!

2011 turned out to be an amazing year for New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees, who set an NFL single-season record by passing for 5,476 yards. But what is truly amazing is that he accomplished this feat while licking his fingers an estimated 2,560 times. I personally made this calculation, which I believe to be a conservative estimate, by taking into account the average number of offensive plays per game (80) during a 16-game regular season in which Drew licked his fingers at least twice prior to each play. I say this is an amazing accomplishment because, to my knowledge, Brees never missed a single game or day of practice due to a viral, fungal, or bacterial infection. What a nasty habit “” licking your dirty fingers 160 times per game. Fingers that have touched the ground, the center’s butt, and the football, which has rolled around on the ground …

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2011: The Year in Review, Part II

July A recurring theme for the second half of the year is the federal debt, which at its present pace will exceed the $999 trillion mark by the year 2211. The good news is that mathematicians have plenty of time before then to come up with a number higher than a trillion. In the ’60s (the 1960s, not the 1860s), the late Senator Everett Dirksen, when speaking about the federal budget, was fond of saying “A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you’re talking about real money.” At the time, everyone thought this was quite funny and laughed, because the senator was in the late stages of dementia. Little did they know that one day the government would have to throw away trillions of dollars before it amounted to real money. I often wonder if anyone would notice an item in the federal budget for $1 billion for …

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