Horrorscopes

The universe is talking; are you listening?

On a Wing in Need of a Prayer

Jeezum Crow! Is it February already?! I need to get my inspection sticker renewed. Plenty of time this year because we’re getting an extra day. That’s right, it’s a leap year. Happy 24th birthday, Grandpa! See you at Mom’s house on the 29th. But seriously, we need to take a moment to recognize the special reason this month was set aside for commemoration here in the U.S. I still remember the moving speech put forth by Illinois 10th District Representative John Edward Porter on that somber day in 1994: “Mr. Speaker, I would like to recognize February, one of the most difficult months in the United States for wild birds, as National Bird Feeding Month.” What’d you expect, a resolution concerning Black History Month? The man’s a Republican. If a child interrupted him during his lunch break in the park to share a Black History Month fact with him, the …

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Make Your Last Year Count!

Happy New Year!!! It’s 2012, and we still have no commercially viable jet packs. But we do have something special to look forward to this year: the apocalypse. And not some run-of-the-mill, Christian, religious apocalypse like Harold Camping missed the mark on last year (twice, I might add). No, this time, it’s the Mayans that are the architects of our demise. Don’t try and deny it with your cold logic about how ridiculous eschatology in general is, or that fistful of facts that everyone and his mother has picked up about the Mayan long-form calendar from the History Channel. (It’s just the end of the calendar, like December 31; aren’t you frigging clever?) NO! I was denied Y2K in 1999, I was denied by Harold “I speak directly to God” Camping last year (twice), and I will not be denied my apocalypse this year! I’m hoping this is the one …

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