Horrorscopes

The universe is talking; are you listening?

To Have and to Hold

In this instance, “hold” constitutes a legally binding contract in which all property, descendants, and power of attorney are transferred to your spouse in time of duress, or as seen fit by a court of law. It’s June, which means the wedding season is upon us. How fitting, given North Carolina’s insistence last month that they stay firmly rooted in the early 1960s. That little ballot initiative led to a hell of a lot of hoopla in the press, and as usual, the most vocal about it were the least informed. In fact, last month, The Advocate (the Baton Rouge newspaper, not the world’s most widely read gay magazine) published an obviously inflammatory editorial from a retired fisherman in Morgan City. This gentleman insisted that marriage has always existed to make life better for the children, thus rendering gay marriage obsolete. I take particular umbrage at this comment for several …

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Mythology: It’s Greek to Me

Opa, Red Shtickers! It’s May, and this month on the 12th, the Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church will be kicking off the inaugural Baton Rouge Greek Festival downtown. Expect all kinds of Greek food, music, and other cultural points of interest. “Knick, why are you so jazzed about this?” my dear readers may be asking. Because this is the “Horrorscopes,” and we must, time to time, give a shout out to the ridiculous idea that the positions of the stars and planets in the night sky as viewed from Earth around 2,000 years ago actually has any bearing on what happens to us on a day-to-day basis. Occasionally, the Greeks (who had little in the form of entertainment before the advent of smashable plates and ouzo) would look up in the night sky and notice patterns of stars that resembled animals. Taken as a whole, this “circle of animals” or …

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As High as the Stars

Hello, all you loyal Red Shtickers out there. And a special “how do you do” to all of you reading this while waiting for food at one of Baton Rouge’s many classy eating establishments, or perhaps I should say “¦ “high”? It’s April again, and since we missed out on celebrating April Fools’ Day together, we might as well give a quiet but knowing nod to April’s other notorious holiday, 4/20. What did you think I was going to say “” Easter? Or even more laughably, Earth Day? My goodness, no. We are all adults here (except for those of you reading this because your parents gave it to you to keep you quiet while the waiter pushed the tables together), and statistically, 39.8% of people in the U.S. have tried the devil’s weed at some point. Subtracting children and elderly people, for whom marijuana was restricted to jazz musicians …

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The Departed

One hundred issues! No, I’m not talking about my last psych evaluation. If you’re like the average RSM reader and ignored everything else in the magazine to get to the brilliantly penned “Horrorscopes,” you might not have realized you’re holding the 100th issue of Red Shtick Magazine. That’s quite the milestone. During that time, we’ve had many loyal readers, but just as important, we’ve had many loyal advertisers. Local businesses that know deep down that Baton Rouge has an audience for intelligent satirical news. As it happens, that audience is often waiting to get a seat at a restaurant or bar, getting their tires changed, or in the middle of a sigmoidoscopy. The point is they’re captive and ready to be fed advertising that will worm its way into their subconsciousness until the time comes when they need a specific good or service. They won’t know what it was that …

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