Horrorscopes

Sure, we all know your mother is like both a doorknob and the town bicycle, but we are adults. Let us speak frankly about your mother and everything we all know to be true about her.

Normally, I take advantage of April Fools' Day to offer a list of pranks to pull on your friends, family, and coworkers, but I'm a little late this month "¦ which is going to make this year's list of pranks WAAAYYYYY BETTER!!!

In honor of St. Patrick's Day and our fair city – the AIDS capital of the US for the second year running – I've come up with a list of drinks named after celebrities with STDs. Enjoy.

Holy crap!!! February is almost over, and I have yet to hit you with Horrorscopes. Well, I had stuff to do this month, so get off my (sizeable "¦ ladies) nuts.

Last year was a bit of a stinker for everybody. This year really doesn't seem to be looking any better. Trust me; I've looked into the heavens and seen the future. Everything's going to be just fine"¦

It's about time to take a break from watching Lethal Weapon, Gremlins, Batman Returns, Die Hard, or whatever your favorite Christmas movie happens to be and go shopping for those you love - like me.

This November, Horrorscopes is going up a little late in the month because I've been given so much to be thankful for that I haven't had time to do anything else but be thankful.Can you hear the "thanks"? It's just oozing out of my pores.

I'm here to help you create a costume that's a fitting tribute to something newsworthy from this year with a little twist of genius. Don't worry, I brought one for each of you.