Archived Columns

You’re now a successful, employed, sexually active adult. You’re welcome for all that, by the way. I have been waiting for your thank you notes, but so far, nothing. Maybe you’ve been too busy playing Modern Warfare, but the holidays are approaching, and soon you will be subjected to countless hours of holiday gatherings. You’ll be obligated to attend meals and parties when you’d really much rather be sitting on the couch watching the cartoon version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas! and drinking Jim Beam straight out of the bottle. In the spirit of the season, I give this gift to you: my secrets for surviving the holidays with your sanity and self-respect intact. The vast majority of you will be invited to a large family meal at the home of an aunt, grandmother, or other distant relative. Family Dinner is a minefield of weirdness, and navigating it without …

Have you ever felt like you had to be drunk to do something? Welcome to this month's article"¦

In the past couple of months, I’ve helped you move out on your own and get a job. You’re welcome. If you’re ready to take the next step toward living a more perfect life, you might be thinking about dating, but finding a date can be a challenge. Traditionally, people met their mates in bars, maybe sometimes even at church, but people are increasingly turning to the internet to play matchmaker. The only problem is that most of the people looking for dates online are whores, crazy, or both.[1] While it may be true that most people outside of the internet are also crazy whores without home training, something about the anonymity of the internet brings these characteristics to the surface. A quick glance at tonight’s Craigslist postings finds every kink and fetish imaginable, right here in Baton Rouge “” things I couldn’t possibly repeat in a family magazine like …

I finally think I have figured out women. All of women's problems can be traced back to clothing sizes.

Mrs. Judge Mental offers her patented advice on finding a roommate that you won't murder within the first week.

If you're going to live a good life, one that includes not eating out of dumpsters and owning a toilet of your very own, you're going to need a job.

I had an attractive younger woman call me "Mister Sunny" for the first time. Not even when I attempted suicide have I wanted to cut my wrists that bad.

If you wear a tie (which will almost always be a clip-on) with an SSBD, you are essentially screaming to the world: "I AM AN ASSISTANT TO THE ASSISTANT MANAGER "” PLEASE RIDICULE ME!"