Archived Columns

No Need to Watch the NFL Playoffs “” There’ll Be No Surprises

These are not “” I repeat, NOT “” NFL playoff predictions. They are inevitabilities. If you read this article then watch the games, you’ll think you’re watching ESPN Classic. Spoiler alert, bro. We’ll ring in Millard Fillmore’s 212th birthday with an afternoon treat of Cincinnati at Houston. This is by far the most underwhelming playoff matchup of any sport, ever, and that’s saying something since I went to elementary school with Bengals tackle Andrew Whitworth. (Note: This will be the only gratuitous name-drop I’ll poop this month. I’ll leave gratuitous name-dropping to this magazine’s publisher. He can drop a name like a champ.) Count on the Bengals winning this one easily. Why? Because when tens of thousands of Yats evacuated to Houston over six years ago, they took every imaginable football curse with them, turning the Texans into, basically, your dead, alcoholic great-uncle’s Saints. (He really shouldn’t have driven that …

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Highs and Lows of Sports in 2011

It’s been such a crazy year in athletics, I thought it would be a good idea to review the 2011 sports world. State College, PA, is off the list of top ten towns to raise an underprivileged family, Tebow is better than you, and CP3 left NOLA for second billing in Kia commercials. After Commish David Stern shut down the deal with the Lakers for Lamar Odom, it was strange to see Chris Paul eventually show up in LA anyway. I was upset at first, but after further review, at least now I don’t have to deal with Khloe Kardashian making a new reality show in New Orleans. Blake Griffin received a great Christmas gift in newly acquired teammate Paul. It would be nice to see him win a championship, but it’s going to be hard to do that in the West. It was hard enough to be a basketball …

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It’s the End of the World as We Know It “¦ and Sean Connery Needs to Pay!

After 31 years, R.E.M. called it a day and ended the band. Why? Well, they felt they had done all there is to do and that nothing else needed to be said. Well, that’s their story. I’m guessing soon we will know the real story of who has cancer or who hates the other. But why do I think they folded the group? My guess is the Mayans. As most of us know, according to the Mayan calendar, 2012 is supposed to be the end of the world. I’m one of the many who think it may be true. I also think it’s gonna be pretty awesome to trip while watching it take place. Not sure what is gonna kill us all, but to pick a death at random, it’s gonna be pretty hard to scream in fear when the last trumpet sounds and a 700-foot Cesar Romero stomps us …

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Uggs

Every season, “celebrities” flaunt what they deem to be the latest and greatest in have-to-have-it wear. One cleverly snapped photo of a decked-out harlot “” I mean, starlet, and by one, I mean 212 “” and everyone is rushing off to beg Daddy or the nearest guy down at the truck stop for the money to dress just like Miley or Kim or Britney. Gobs and gobs of money are spent to look just like them, and the rest of us nonsheeple are left scratching our heads and wondering what the damn fuss is all about. This month, we will be taking a look at one of the “must have” trends that just won’t end: Uggs (or as I like to think of them, the most tasteless thing to come out of Australia since vegemite). If you’ve been living under a rock or reading books or jerking off to Skyrim and …

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New Words for the New Year

Boshnogger: My little brother made this word up when he was 7 to substitute for curse words. It’s time for boshnogger to spread its wings. In the early 1990s, a very sh””tty game called “Pogs” was introduced to American culture. Two a””hole children would get together with a bunch of cardboard circles with pictures on them and lust over each other’s treasures. They’d put their pogs in a stack, face down, and prepare for battle. Each player would then take a heavier game piece, called a slammer, and slam it onto the other player’s stack. Any pogs that landed face up now belonged to the “slammer.” Even as a child, I thought this game was ridiculous. I’m sure Sigmund Freud would say this game was just another way for people to dominate each other and blast each other in the asses. My little brother received a pog maker for Christmas …

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Caveat Neighbor

I am tired of the media telling me how terrible the economy is when I know for a fact that it is booming. If it weren’t, then I wouldn’t have had to stand in line for half an hour just to get into a store, where I would then have to spend 54 more minutes in line to check out “¦ with a purse “¦ a purse that cost more than the gross domestic product of at least 23 countries. But these are the things we do when the women around us tell us to do it. I went in with a picture and a note and still got the wrong thing, but at least I was smart enough to pick up some accessories there, so that second mortgage came in extra handy. The company should really change its name to First Class, because at its prices, it definitely isn’t …

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Life Lesson #5: New Year’s Resolutions

You’ve survived the holidays, and you’re probably thinking about making some resolutions to improve yourself and your life in 2012. No one is more qualified than Mrs. Judge Mental, Your Professional Life Coachâ„¢, to help you make the most of your empty pledges to change your life. Some of the most common New Year’s resolutions involve weight loss. It’s not surprising since Americans are the fattest people ever in the history of humans. These rules are Mrs. Judge Mental’s best strategies for losing weight: Rule #1: Never eat anything that can be purchased in a Circle K store. Funyuns, delicious though they may be, are not part of a complete breakfast, and ICEEs are not what’s for dinner. Honey-roasted cashews are delicious, for sure, but they’re not going to help you lose a notch on your belt. Plan your meals ahead of time, be mindful of what you’re eating, and …

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Pulses, Pizzas, and Protesters

I know it’s just a minor thing, but minor things are what fuel my rabid hatred. With that being said: Dead people don’t have birthdays, not even if they were celebrities. Having a birthday means having a pulse. It’s a celebration that you have lived another year despite doing at least two dozen things a day that should have killed you. When the wacky morning radio show plays The Beatles’ birthday song and says “Happy 144th to Marie Curie,” it isn’t happy, nor is it her birthday. It isn’t happy because she died of horrific radiation poisoning, and it’s not her birthday because, of course, she has been dead 77 years. So, just to clarify: breathing = birthday; dirt nap = no birthday. On a happier note, the government decided that the economy and country were doing so well that it could finally tackle the real problem facing this country: …

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