Archived Columns

Not to Mention, Superman Can Go Five Minutes Without Knocking His Wife Up

Have you recovered from all the crap that happened in January yet? No? Then kill yourself, because you’re worthless. Get over it. The only reason a 21-year-old black guy should have you this bent out of shape is if he robs you or talks too much in the theater while you and your wife are trying to watch Joyful Noise. (I know, I know “” Contraband was sold out.) Somewhere in the Tigerland apartments on a Sunday in late January, three guys named Corey grappled with whether to watch the Pro Bowl or the Royal Rumble, and they ultimately decided on the latter because they decided that it was more real. There’s a lesson to learn from these three probably extant douche bags, and it’s that none of it is real. You know that friend of yours who’s really into comic books? You know, the one you’ve called a queer …

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The Adventures of Topher, Part I

Usually, right about now you’d be reading about the wild and crazy adventures of Johnny Valentine. As interesting as my life stories have been, I thought it’d be fun to introduce you to a new character. Topher was like a brother to me growing up, and our lives are extremely similar. We’re both f””k-ups, both not living up to our true potential, both love to party hard, both have great storytelling abilities and have amazing stories to tell “¦ What can I say? We’re both lovable addicts. His life story is as entertaining as it is heartbreaking, and I would be doing everyone a great injustice if I didn’t share it with you. Without further ado: The Adventures of Topher, Part I. Current mood: Calm. The year was ’97, and it was the first night at my new apartment in Lafayette. I brought two of my friends there, and we …

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Being Robert J. Rosenthal: A Film Review of the Movie Chronicle

Some years back, Charlie Kaufman, one of the great writers of our time, gave the world a glimpse into the inner workings of the human mind in Being John Malkovich. Malkovich was an ideal subject for such a script. He was not a giant “A-list” star, but we had all heard of him. He was considered one of the great talents of the acting profession, yet he was an enigma. What did we know about Malkovich? Nothing. Yet without his acting prowess, it is impossible to imagine In the Line of Fire. Of course, it is equally impossible to forget Johnny English, try as we might, but no man is perfect. Still, Malkovich was a perfect vessel for Kaufman to contain his boundless and eccentric imagination. But I maintain that Kaufman’s world of wonder is not new to this Earth. Based on what I’ve seen, what passes for entertainment in …

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Pajama Jeans

Reality is only slightly uglier than reality TV. Want proof? Picture this scenario if you would, please. Location: Your bedroom, 2012. You’re reclined in bed, gorging on Ben & Jerry’s and watching reruns of Real Desperate Housewives of Pigeon Forge. As Penelepe Luffletwatz, heir to a vast pork rind empire, is blowing a wad of cash on a bronze-covered taxidermy statue of her late, award-winning stud goat Blaine, you contemplate your life and how all of your actions throughout the years have lead you to the place where you are right at this moment, and you experience a sad but common thought: Why isn’t my name written in Diamonique on my teeth? Why don’t I have 22-inch rims on my Mercury Cougar? Why didn’t I think to invent Booty Pops? Why can’t that be me? Why can’t I be famous? We’ve all thought that thought at one point in our …

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The Bright Side of the Apocalypse

A bunch of people with beards on the History Channel think the world is coming to an end in December. You’ve probably got your meth basement all stocked with water and tuna fish by now. Instead of focusing on the negatives, let’s take a look at some nouns that will finally get what’s coming to them. Ford Mustangs: She’s a 16-year-old skank with a fairy sticker on her back windshield. She smokes, her mom has yellow teeth and a boyfriend, and she can’t drive worth a sh””t. Like her mother, she has no respect for gravity and sleeps without a bra. She weaves in and out of traffic in a race toward teenage pregnancy. Your grandparents will never see her coming. Then, you have the jerk who spends $20,000 to soup up a $4,000 car. It’s definitely one of the uncool year models, like a ’94 or any year after …

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The Art of War

Someone once said:  “Never trust anyone who hasn’t been punched in the face.” While I don’t know if that is actually true, I do know that you can learn some of life’s most important lessons while someone is or is attempting to punch you in the face. The first fight I ever got into was like a scene from a movie. It was in seventh grade during gym class. The guy swung at me, and I caught his fist. I caught his fist! I caught his fist, and I punched him, and he went down. That day, I learned that I was a badass muthaf””ker “¦ right up until my second fight, where I learned two lessons at once. The first lesson was humility, because two days later, he caught me on the stairs and whipped my ass. Yup, being cocky will always come back to haunt you. The second …

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Guide to Some of the People You May Not Already Know at the 2012 Grammys

The 5,112th annual Grammys © ® (Patent Pending) are upon us, airing February 12 on the Geriatric Discovery Channel (which also features NCIS: Panama City and CSI: Sunnyvale Assisted Living “” all-new episodes on Wednesday nights “” tune in). LL Cool J will be hosting, so as to target the 55-and-under audience who wants to knock you out, as preferred by Geriatric Discovery TV executives. This is your definitive “” and also extremely fit for toilet reading “” guide to artists nominated this year who you probably haven’t heard of because you have a job and 2.3 children and a Husky named Fozzy. For instance, you probably don’t know that that fancy, chunky, British girl Adele is a nominee. Surely you haven’t heard any of her songs. Well, you’re gonna wish YOU, never had met HER, to paraphrase one of her ubiquitous hit singles. I can’t breathe for 10 minutes …

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Life Lesson #6: Mardi Gras Tips for the Newly Grown-Up

This month, Louisiana will spend a long weekend solidifying its position as America’s most alcoholic state. Whether you’re considering a trip to the Big Easy for the weekend, or you’re just going to hit up the Spanish Town parade, I feel the time has come to help you learn to have fun like a grown-up. You don’t have to wait until Lent to give up getting hammered and making poor choices. That’s why I am offering my Professional Life Coachâ„¢ advice here, lest you wind up passed out in the French Quarter with some jackass’ man parts rubbed in your face. In the words of every beer commercial ever: Please drink responsibly. You don’t have to be a stuffed shirt. You can still cut loose, but you should give moderation a try. The key is to find a balance between dancing topless on a table and being the uptight guy …

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