Archived Columns

Everything Newsy Lately in Music Is From the ’90s

Aha! Caught ya! You thought you could just overlook the whole fact that you once wore Z. Cavariccis (to homecoming!) and Zumba pants[1] and had a Rob Van Winkle hair phase! That you had, like, eleventy hundred slap bracelets and a spiral perm, and you religiously watched Saved by the Bell! And that you totally cried when that stupid fartface Ray pushed Donna down a staircase on 90210![2] Well, you can’t overlook it now, because history is repeating itself. Repeating itself. Repeating itself. So it seems when so many of our favorite (and, perhaps, forgotten) musical heroes from the ’90s are making news as of late. First we have the tiny, yet fierce, Fiona Apple. She has launched her first single in seven years, called “Fiona Apple’s First Single in Seven Years” (sorry, had to fire my research assistant), off her upcoming new album, aptly named Fiona Apple Is World …

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Life Lesson #8: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

I’ve dedicated a few of these unsolicited advice columns to the art of romance, but there comes a time in every relationship to either crap or get off the pot. I’m a big believer in things just happening naturally and not doing too much work, so if you’re six months into a relationship and it seems like it’s not working out, it might be time to give up. You’re not going to mold your Larry the Cable Guy into Ryan Gosling or your Roseanne Barr into Megan Fox, so stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and BREAK UP ALREADY. “But how can I break my sweetiekin’s heart?” you ask. “How can I tear my love muffin to pieces?” Easy. 1. Accentuate the negative. Make a list of all of your honey bear’s negative traits. Don’t stop until you get to 50. Saying “idear” for idea, …

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Decisions, Decisions

April 2012 is decision-making time across the world of sports. Though the decisions of the likes of Peyton Manning, Roger Goodell, and a faux virgin in March carried headlines bigger than anything that will be decided in the coming days, weeks, and months, this is quite a pivotal, game-changing moment. April 2012 is the month when 506 life-altering decisions “” that is, 253 draft picks and 253 potentially disastrous-according-to-everyone-not-named-Deion wardrobe choices “” will be made at the NFL Draft in New York. April 2012 is the month when NBA Commissioner David Stern will decide which team will get Anthony Davis (the results of his decision will be staged with Ping-Pong balls in the Draft Lottery in May). April 2012 is the month when a 71-year-old decides whether or not to work as a contractor on the Saints’ sideline. April 2012 is the month when Mark Sanchez will have to decide …

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The Adventures of Topher, Part II

With our Mardi Gras intermission out of the way, we now resume the tale of Topher begun in February. Current mood: Stable. So, I failed miserably at USL and moved back home with the folks, hooked up with some old friends who had also found new tricks, and got a job installing floors with a friend of mine. It was a good job for the time. We got up, went to work, got off, drank 40s, smoked, drank more, and eventually got to the part where we did blow almost every day. I remember me and my boy going to Reserve all the time to get eight balls and cutting it with Sheetrock, prescription pills, Aspirin “¦ whatever would make it big enough to pass. I even cut the stuff with Sheetrock one night and did it with the guys I sold it to. I was getting to be a …

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Titanic “” in 3-D

If you’re anything like me, when you first heard that Titanic was coming out in 3-D, you said to yourself, “GODDAMMIT!” and punched a baby in the mouth. OK, maybe it was not that severe, but holy cow moley, I can only fall at God’s feet and pray for understanding at the WTF-ness of it all. I mean, seriously, Hollywood: Are we gonna have to hear THAT song again and again and again “¦ AGAIN? For the love of Pete (whoever the hell he is!), Titanic came out 15 YEARS AGO!! The year was 1997. How long ago was that? Cast your mind back to these other fun events of 1997: Scientists revealed that they had made the first successful clone: a sheep named Dolly. “Denno Senshi Porygon” “” an episode of the children’s TV show Pokemon “” gave seizures to children the world over. The unsinkable RMS Titanic, which …

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Wedding Edition

Before you know it, wedding season will be upon us, and for those of you out there who are newly engaged or thinking about becoming so, take some advice from a newlywed and start your wedding planning now. Like NOW now, as in “the stick just turned blue” or “I think I may get deported” or “damn, my boyfriend’s physician co-pays are way cheaper than my insurance and they cover breast augmentation” now. I don’t really care what you decide to eat or what your musical preferences are. All that is subject to personal tastes and cultural or religious preferences, and really, none of that is relevant whatsoever to why I am mediating this pre-intervention for you. What I am here to talk to you specifically about is your wedding attire. No one is going to remember that you served French onion soup made out of Wonder bread, Funyuns, and spray cheese …

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That’s How I Troll!

“Troll” is currently a popular term in internet comment sections. It’s used to describe negative buttholes who skim through articles for the sole purpose of leaving wretched, sometimes completely irrelevant, comments. They are warts on the cock of humanity. Since everyone sucks, it can be hard to tell the difference between trolls and regular people. If you call a troll by his name, he/she/it will become very defensive, exposing its sensitive exoskeleton. I’ve named a few for your convenience. The Grammar Trolls: They will point out every typo, misspelling, and missed punctuation mark. Although it’s usually easy to tell if someone is ignorant or if he was just typing too fast and forgot to proofread, grammar trolls will lump them all in the same category. When their arguments start to falter, which they do often because most of their arguments are built on emotion, you better not mess up and …

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Fat, Dumb, and Insane

First things first: I’d wear a hoodie to support the cause, but I’m fat and it’s already in the mid-80s. If I wore a hoodie, I’d be just another casualty. Now that that business is out of the way and I’m on the subject of fat, I’m back at the gym. I’m not going to the gym because I want six-pack abs. I’m going to the gym because I love large pizzas. I’m in my mid-30s. I’m not trying to impress anybody; I just want to be able to eat my large meat-lover’s pizza in peace. I’m not in this to be skinny, or be all roided out; I just don’t want to be judged. You can’t win when being judged. If someone sees a skinny person eating a piece of cheesecake, the skinny person is hated because she is thin and can eat cheesecake and stay thin. Meanwhile, if …

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