Sunny Weathers

Avatar
Sunny Weathers is not fit to serve in any capacity as a juror or babysitter. And yes, that really is his last name.

Living a Lie

The beautiful part of shopping at 3 a.m. is that there is never a line, or if there is, there is a great story waiting to unfold. Sometimes, even when there isn't a line, a story arc evolves and ends in tragedy. This is one of those stories.

Read More »

Tech Advice From an Industry Insider

Author’s Note: As someone who has worked in the tech support field for almost 18 years, let me say that there isn’t a week that goes by when I don’t say at least once: “I’ve never seen anything like that.” So don’t feel like you are bothering us; it’s what we do, and lots of times, the real answer is that we are just better at Googling than you are. That being said”¦ The email is spam. It doesn’t matter what you think it is; the email is spam. It’s not from the IRS or the FBI. They wouldn’t email you. If that were really your iTunes/AT&T/Verizon/Wal-Mart bill for $4,913.69, it wouldn’t have been sent to 600 people. You couldn’t possibly all have the same customer number. More importantly, if any of those people are emailing you, it isn’t going to be from l33thaxxordood@fanpoop481.com. Speaking of fanpoop481.com, any website that …

Read More »

Doing What You Love

The other day, I was flipping through radio stations and UB40’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love” was playing, and immediately I thought, “What the hell were we all thinking making these guys popular? They are terrible. TERRRRRRRRIBLE. White guys with a Rasta style; yuck “¦” And 10 seconds later, the thought went out of my head as I started singing along with my best Jamaican accent, then I downloaded their greatest hits on iTunes and searched out the classic album 12 Inches of Snow. I miss the drugs of the ’90s. As my newest Facebook album will attest, my latest obsession is Draw Something. It really brings out the most primitive need in man to communicate by picture. It also reveals just how far we haven’t come. Sure, Picasso was great, but for the most part, the average person is still just drawing stick figures on a cave wall and …

Read More »

Fat, Dumb, and Insane

First things first: I’d wear a hoodie to support the cause, but I’m fat and it’s already in the mid-80s. If I wore a hoodie, I’d be just another casualty. Now that that business is out of the way and I’m on the subject of fat, I’m back at the gym. I’m not going to the gym because I want six-pack abs. I’m going to the gym because I love large pizzas. I’m in my mid-30s. I’m not trying to impress anybody; I just want to be able to eat my large meat-lover’s pizza in peace. I’m not in this to be skinny, or be all roided out; I just don’t want to be judged. You can’t win when being judged. If someone sees a skinny person eating a piece of cheesecake, the skinny person is hated because she is thin and can eat cheesecake and stay thin. Meanwhile, if …

Read More »

Cheat Code

I know I’ve written about this epidemic 100 times, but I cannot stress this enough: The inventor of “slim fit” shirts should be beaten to death by the slowest, most painful means available. Since the dawn of time, men’s shirts have always had the same sizes. In the time of the caveman, a small guy killed a few rabbits and wore their skin, an average guy wore a deer, a big guy wore bears, etc. Then, suddenly, a scrawny guy wants to wear a large shirt, so he takes a medium and calls it a large “slim fit” and ruins 10,000 years of manliness on all levels. Maybe the guys in the skinny jeans want a slim fit, but anybody with actual testosterone in him knows better. More importantly, if you do insist on this crap, at least stop it at large. I wear extra large. There is no reason …

Read More »

The Art of War

Someone once said:  “Never trust anyone who hasn’t been punched in the face.” While I don’t know if that is actually true, I do know that you can learn some of life’s most important lessons while someone is or is attempting to punch you in the face. The first fight I ever got into was like a scene from a movie. It was in seventh grade during gym class. The guy swung at me, and I caught his fist. I caught his fist! I caught his fist, and I punched him, and he went down. That day, I learned that I was a badass muthaf””ker “¦ right up until my second fight, where I learned two lessons at once. The first lesson was humility, because two days later, he caught me on the stairs and whipped my ass. Yup, being cocky will always come back to haunt you. The second …

Read More »

Caveat Neighbor

I am tired of the media telling me how terrible the economy is when I know for a fact that it is booming. If it weren’t, then I wouldn’t have had to stand in line for half an hour just to get into a store, where I would then have to spend 54 more minutes in line to check out “¦ with a purse “¦ a purse that cost more than the gross domestic product of at least 23 countries. But these are the things we do when the women around us tell us to do it. I went in with a picture and a note and still got the wrong thing, but at least I was smart enough to pick up some accessories there, so that second mortgage came in extra handy. The company should really change its name to First Class, because at its prices, it definitely isn’t …

Read More »

Pulses, Pizzas, and Protesters

I know it’s just a minor thing, but minor things are what fuel my rabid hatred. With that being said: Dead people don’t have birthdays, not even if they were celebrities. Having a birthday means having a pulse. It’s a celebration that you have lived another year despite doing at least two dozen things a day that should have killed you. When the wacky morning radio show plays The Beatles’ birthday song and says “Happy 144th to Marie Curie,” it isn’t happy, nor is it her birthday. It isn’t happy because she died of horrific radiation poisoning, and it’s not her birthday because, of course, she has been dead 77 years. So, just to clarify: breathing = birthday; dirt nap = no birthday. On a happier note, the government decided that the economy and country were doing so well that it could finally tackle the real problem facing this country: …

Read More »