Adam Wilson

Adam Wilson
Adam Wilson was the original columnist for Balls, Pucks, and Cups. He returned after a five-year contract dispute with The Red Shtick management.

A Louisiana Sports Bicentennial, Part II

Last month, “Balls” gave you the Top 200 Moments in Louisiana Sports History in celebration of the state’s first-ever bicentennial. Unfortunately, press limitations forced us to omit 186 entries, all of which are listed below: Editor’s note: Due to press limitations, 172 of the other 186 Top 200 Moments in Louisiana Sports History had to be omitted. The columnist has been suspended with pay. October 1859 “” James Christopher Driskill ascends and establishes Louisiana’s Everest, unintentionally becoming the greatest mountain climber in Louisiana history. At 535 feet above sea level, Driskill Mountain today is arguably one of Bienville Parish’s four or five most popular things for Boy Scouts to climb. October 3, 1951 “” The single heard ’round the world. In order for Bobby Thompson to hit a three-run homer in the bottom of the ninth to win the New York baseball Giants their first pennant in 14 years, former …

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A Louisiana Sports Bicentennial

On April 30, Louisiana “” the state, not the blob on the back of the quarter that stretches to Winnipeg “” celebrated its first-ever bicentennial. The Zombie State’s sports history is rich, and Balls now presents the Top 200 Moments in Louisiana Sports History. Editor’s note: Due to press limitations, 186 of the Top 200 Moments in Louisiana Sports History had to be omitted. September 7, 1892 “” Corbett beats Sullivan. Fifteen months earlier, Louisiana had become the first state to legalize prizefighting, and “Gentleman Jim” Corbett, using a new, schmancy, scientific boxing technique to which the newly popular Marquis of Queensberry Rules lent themselves, became boxing’s heavyweight champion by upending John Lawrence Sullivan, the “Boston Strong Boy” who proved to be the final heavyweight champion of the bare-knuckle era, by way of a knockout in the 21st round. Unusual for boxing at the time, the fight took place inside …

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Decisions, Decisions

April 2012 is decision-making time across the world of sports. Though the decisions of the likes of Peyton Manning, Roger Goodell, and a faux virgin in March carried headlines bigger than anything that will be decided in the coming days, weeks, and months, this is quite a pivotal, game-changing moment. April 2012 is the month when 506 life-altering decisions “” that is, 253 draft picks and 253 potentially disastrous-according-to-everyone-not-named-Deion wardrobe choices “” will be made at the NFL Draft in New York. April 2012 is the month when NBA Commissioner David Stern will decide which team will get Anthony Davis (the results of his decision will be staged with Ping-Pong balls in the Draft Lottery in May). April 2012 is the month when a 71-year-old decides whether or not to work as a contractor on the Saints’ sideline. April 2012 is the month when Mark Sanchez will have to decide …

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They Were Undressing My Leg With Their Eyes at Westminster

PHOTO CREDIT: Photos provided by Ann Yoo “In the whole history of the world, there is but one thing that money can not buy “¦ to wit, the wag of a dog’s tail.” Henry Wheeler Shaw penned these obscure words in one of his many books published under the pen name Josh Billings in the late 19th century, in the days when he was the effective Frank Stallone to Mark Twain’s Sylvester. Unfortunately for Mr. Billings, he died in 1885, two years before a group of hunters staying at New York’s Westminster Hotel (That’s where hunters stayed in those days? I always had to sleep in the deer stand so aliens wouldn’t find and probe me.) decided to prove that they actually did have enough money to buy the best wag breedable in coon dogs and do it annually. Josh Billings must have rolled in his grave, which may or …

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Not to Mention, Superman Can Go Five Minutes Without Knocking His Wife Up

Have you recovered from all the crap that happened in January yet? No? Then kill yourself, because you’re worthless. Get over it. The only reason a 21-year-old black guy should have you this bent out of shape is if he robs you or talks too much in the theater while you and your wife are trying to watch Joyful Noise. (I know, I know “” Contraband was sold out.) Somewhere in the Tigerland apartments on a Sunday in late January, three guys named Corey grappled with whether to watch the Pro Bowl or the Royal Rumble, and they ultimately decided on the latter because they decided that it was more real. There’s a lesson to learn from these three probably extant douche bags, and it’s that none of it is real. You know that friend of yours who’s really into comic books? You know, the one you’ve called a queer …

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No Need to Watch the NFL Playoffs “” There’ll Be No Surprises

These are not “” I repeat, NOT “” NFL playoff predictions. They are inevitabilities. If you read this article then watch the games, you’ll think you’re watching ESPN Classic. Spoiler alert, bro. We’ll ring in Millard Fillmore’s 212th birthday with an afternoon treat of Cincinnati at Houston. This is by far the most underwhelming playoff matchup of any sport, ever, and that’s saying something since I went to elementary school with Bengals tackle Andrew Whitworth. (Note: This will be the only gratuitous name-drop I’ll poop this month. I’ll leave gratuitous name-dropping to this magazine’s publisher. He can drop a name like a champ.) Count on the Bengals winning this one easily. Why? Because when tens of thousands of Yats evacuated to Houston over six years ago, they took every imaginable football curse with them, turning the Texans into, basically, your dead, alcoholic great-uncle’s Saints. (He really shouldn’t have driven that …

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