Doctors at Our Lady of the Lake Regional Medical Center sadly reported that a former major shopping venue soon will be taken off life support. Born as Cortana Mall in 1976, and known as “Stinky” to its peers, the mall has lived a long and hard life full of discounts and returns.
In 2010, Cortana contracted AIDS after a weekend with a half-empty strip mall in Denham Springs. The Baton Rouge mall later became depressed and refused treatment as its building slowly deteriorated. Walls began to crack, windows broke, and the anti-theft detectors no longer functioned.
“It’s never easy when a parent outlives their kid,” the failing mall’s owner, Steven Maksin, said as he sat in the food court at the Mall of Louisiana, a longtime rival of Cortana.
With an Auntie Anne’s pretzel in one hand and a free sample from Mandarin Express in the other, Maksin said he was the one to finally convince Cortana to seek medical attention before he finally turned his back on his dying child.
Cortana’s doctors decided it would be best to amputate the mall’s Spencer’s before it grew into a full-blown Hot Topic.
Doctors at OLOL discovered a slew of problems with the sickly shopping center, which they attempted to remedy with a series of procedures.
In the first operation, they truncated Cortana’s Citi Trends. While the surgery was a success, the problems didn’t stop there.
After weeks of tests, Cortana’s doctors decided it would be best to amputate the mall’s Spencer’s before it grew into a full-blown Hot Topic. Unfortunately, the doctors were too late. The Hot Topic had metastasized and spread to vital areas of the mall, leading to its current state.
“It’s truly terrible what’s happening to the mall. Where am I supposed to smoke crack now, behind the Red Lobster?” Larry Piven asked before heading to Red Lobster.
Piven, like most people seen walking around Cortana, is not only a shopper but also a resident. The increase in vacant stores has led to a significant number of homeless people finding refuge and first dibs on going-out-of-business sales there.
The demolition services will be paid for by Cortana’s distant, more successful cousin, Tanger Outlet.