LSU to Issue Mandatory Shock Collars to Deter Football Fans From Storming Field

In an effort to stop pricey, unconfined celebration after historical victories, the LSU Athletic Department will require all fans in Tiger Stadium to wear shock collars in an attempt to keep them off the field.

“We all enjoy a well-earned victory by our football team, but we can’t have our program face another hefty fine,” LSU Athletic Director Joe Alleva said, referring to the Southeastern Conference’s increasingly harsh penalties for fans rushing the field. “The only practical solution is to administer a small electrical shock anytime a die-hard fan even thinks about jumping over the wall.”

The Athletic Department’s latest requirement for fans has prompted mixed reactions from those who bleed purple and gold.

“Sure, a shock collar enhances my gameday outfit, but at what cost,” lifelong fan Shirley Tennant asked. “It does soften the blow that the collar comes in both purple or gold. I may just wear this for away games.”

“Why does the entire stadium have to pay for a few thousand bad apples?”

Others feel the accessory goes against common human decency.

“I was fine not drinking during games, but this has gone too far,” season ticket holder Reggie Anders said. “Why does the entire stadium have to pay for a few thousand bad apples? And frankly, how is a little electricity going to stop them from getting on the field? By the time kickoff rolls around, some of these fans could fall off a four-story building and not feel a thing.”

While many potential solutions were considered, Alleva said that Athletic Department officials settled on the shock collar plan as the most reasonable.

“We came up with several suggestions, but this was the most humane,” Alleva explained. “We almost went with a 10-foot wall, but then some people would have to stand during the game, and we don’t want to deal with that problem again.”

Alleva maintained that this is only a temporary and completely knee-jerk reaction to the recent success of the program.

“Sure, everyone is excited that the LSU Tigers are playing well,” Alleva said, “and while we live in this bubble of success, we need to be more cautious. As soon as the football team plays to the media’s preseason expectations, we can remove this requirement, and fans can go back to leaving the game in the third quarter to beat traffic.”

About Robert Rau

Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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