Last October, we here at The Red Shtick gave you a dozen costume ideas based on different versions of our burden-in-chief, Big Donnie Drumpf. Now that he’s had time to infect a significant portion of the country with his personal brand of psychotic STD, we feel it’s no longer necessary to stick to the pussy grabber himself when looking for costume ideas.
This month, we present you with Halloween costume ideas based on the new brand of crazy we all live in. Some of these are so fresh you can still smell the Haldol.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): “Party Pooper” – Admittedly, this one is restricted to white ladies, but all you’ll need to complete the look are sunglasses and a phone. When you get to the party, keep an eye out for minority adults, minority children, or whales doing anything innocuous. Then call the cops.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): “Proud Boy” – To fit in as a member of this extreme-right hate group founded by a founder of Vice Media and named after a show tune that didn’t make it into Disney’s Aladdin (no, seriously), all you need is a black polo shirt and the ability to name five breakfast cereals while being hit by like-minded peers. Also, you aren’t allowed to masturbate (no, seriously).
CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): “The Kids Are Alt-Right” – Can’t find a black polo shirt? How about a white polo shirt and a tiki torch? Welcome to the new SS!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): “Plane Groper” – All you need to dress up as Bruce Michael Alexander, the guy who felt up a woman sitting in front of him on an Oct. 21, 2018, Southwest flight, are thick, hairy hands with dirty fingernails. Slap on these puppies and tell the cops that the president said it was cool.
PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): “Incel” – This is one of those costumes that requires very little in the way of wardrobe. Just show up and sit in a corner on your computer. Demand oral sex from any female who approaches, then complain about how big a slut she is when she runs screaming for the hills. Do not attempt to get to know them or hold anything resembling an actual conversation.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): “Sexy Former Trump Staffer” – The best part of this one is how unlikely it is that someone at the party will be wearing the exact same thing. It also makes for a great group theme costume. Cut the legs and sleeves off of an orange jumpsuit and use a black marker to write the name of your choice on the back. Choose from the following: George Papadopoulos, Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, Michael Flynn, Richard Pinedo, Alex van der Zwaan, Yevgeny Prigozhin, Konstantin Kilimnik, Michael Cohen, or pretty much any Russian last name, or wait until the last minute to add anybody new who may pop up.
TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): “Kanye West” – Dress in a ridiculous outfit that you designed yourself. Before leaving the house, tell your reflection that you are just as capable and brilliant as Jay-Z. Rap at people at the party and show them your pitiful phone password. Work to repeal the abolition of slavery. Freestyle your crazy.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21): “Roseanne” – Chain-smoke and go on loud, racist rants to strangers until you clearly cross the line. Continue. Blame this on lizard people.
CANCER (June 22-July 22): “Jared Kushner” – Wear a suit and tie and accessorize with an overinflated sense of self-importance. Carry a water gun full of piss and threaten to shoot people with it before casually squirting it in your own mouth. Pretend you enjoy it.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): “Robert Mueller” – Sit quietly in a separate room, sharpening an ax.
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): “Mitch McConnell” – You’ll need an off-the-rack turtle costume and a tie. Walk around casually setting things on fire while ignoring everyone yelling at you.
LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): “Brett Kavanaugh” – Wear a black judge’s robe, but cut out a hole big enough for your genitals to poke through. Don’t worry; everyone will ignore this.