by Mikel Albagdadi and Jacob Humphreys
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has warned all tailgate partygoers to be on the lookout this football season for what it is calling “party parasites.”
The CDC claims more than 50,000 tailgate parties were infected nationwide last season. That number does not include such gatherings before Atlantic Coast Conference games due to the fact ACC football is widely considered to be “glorified flag football.”
While the parasites may come in many shapes and sizes, researchers found they most commonly manifest in the form of a drunk and hungry football fan in his 20s or 30s. They also often loiter around the fringes of a tailgate party, lurking for an opportunity to strike.
Once a parasite has found and latched onto a host, it begins to wreak havoc on the party from the inside by slowly draining the tailgate of its life force: booze. There are myriad ways these liquor leeches can ruin a traditional pregame gathering of football fans, including drinking Paw Paw’s secret stash of Crown Reserve, sitting on a stocked ice chest while claiming it’s empty, and opening a new beer immediately after taking only one sip from another recently opened beer.
The parasite attacked, knocking over Bobby’s music speakers and telling his wife she was a “five at best” before finally exiting the host.
For some tailgate party organizers, the CDC’s warning comes too late.
“I noticed he was picking out and eating all the goddam sausage from my jambalaya,” longtime LSU tailgater and self-proclaimed “king of the cookout” Hank Bobby recalled of a pest at one of his previous parties. “And there was no alcohol there, either! Nobody’s safe!”
Bobby explained that he had let his guard down while preparing his “parish-famous jambalaya,” and the parasite attacked, knocking over Bobby’s music speakers and telling his wife she was a “five at best” before finally exiting the host.
The CDC also warns of more robust strains of the parasite that typically attack larger tailgates, often those run by fraternities. These tailgates frequently feature beer pong games. If a parasite makes it onto a table, researchers have found, it will purposely lose in order to drink more beer it did not pay for.
Landon “Crazy Mofo” Wells, 2015 Kappa Sigma beer pong champion, claims he encountered one of these “super parasites” firsthand last year.
“No idea who he was, but he told me I sucked eggs at BP, and then air-balled everything. He even called (an) elbows (-on-the-table foul) on himself so he could drink more.”
Wells added that he later politely asked the party parasite to pony up some beer money. “Put it on Daddy’s money card,” it replied, according to Wells.
The CDC further cautions tailgaters that any attempt to rid their party of such a parasite will likely trigger its defense mechanisms. It warns that if a parasite feels threatened, it will find the nearest keg and puke on it.