Trump to America: “Fuck It, I’m Growing a Beard”

In a recent Twitter rant, President Donald Trump left many political observers both puzzled and troubled by his decision to grow facial hair.

“I’m tired of your presidential standards, I’m living for me now,” Trump tweeted. “All you assholes are bothering me about all this bullshit. Fuck it, I’m growing a beard.”

The president’s press secretary had plenty to say on Trump’s proclamation.

“There hasn’t been a president with a beard for years, not since Benjamin Harrison,” Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters during a White House press briefing. “Trump is looking to shake up the public’s perception of the highest office. Frankly, we couldn’t think of anything he could do that would be braver.”

Presidential experts warn that Trump is the wrong chief executive to bring back the iconic look that was common in the mid-to-late nineteenth century.

“I hope he reconsiders. This would certainly be his first mistake since taking office.”

“Trump neither has the skin tone, nor the hirsutal volume, to pull off an impressive beard,” noted facial expert Tina Gates said. “He would look like a really old peach. There’s a good chance he’s been growing it for weeks and we just haven’t noticed it. Nothing good can come from this decision.”

Gates pointed out former presidents who she believes could pull off the bearded look.

“Clinton, that guy could rock a beard. He’d look like a horny Santa,” Gates insisted. “And Obama would have that right balance of salt and pepper that says both distinguished and sexy.”

Despite myriad scandals plaguing Trump’s presidency, this announcement marks the first time many of his loyal supporters are having second thoughts.

“His skin is way too fair to pull off the look,” retired truck driver Dan Miggins said. “I hope he reconsiders. This would certainly be his first mistake since taking office.”

White House insiders also have noticed a more carefree president, one that doesn’t seem the least bit concerned about public opinion.

“Trump certainly could not care less what people think,” White House intern Amy Zent said. “The president entered his latest executive briefing wearing pajamas, slippers, and carrying a Ziploc bag of Peanut M&M’s. This is a guy with nothing to lose.”

About Robert Rau

Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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