Treasurer John Schroder Conflicted About Proposal to Pave Roads With Guns

Louisiana Treasurer John Schroder is unable to decide whether he strongly supports or strongly opposes paving all state roads with metal derived from firearms.

The outspoken gun rights advocate says he can’t stop vacillating between wanting to voice a full-throated endorsement of constructing highways with melted guns and wanting to vociferously denounce the idea.

“On one hand, interconnecting our great state with guns would send a strong message to the rest of the nation how sacred we hold the Second Amendment. On the other hand, we’d have to melt down guns, which kind of seems to send the opposite message. This is our generation’s Sophie’s Choice,” Schroder lamented.

“It’s like my brain has gone to war with itself, which I would normally support, because wars are fought with guns, but also war is bad. GAH! Why is thinking so hard!?!”

The first-term Republican says he’s been grappling with the proposal since first learning of it following a narrow decision by the State Bond Commission, which Schroder chairs, disallowing Citigroup and Bank of America to underwrite a $600 million interstate financing deal because of their gun restriction policies.

“At first, I was like ‘Hell yeah! Let’s do it!’ And then I was like ‘Oh hell no! No freaking way!’ Then I was back to being all for it. Then against it,” Schroder said. “It’s like my brain has gone to war with itself, which I would normally support, because wars are fought with guns, but also war is bad. GAH! Why is thinking so hard!?!”

When asked about the cost and feasibility of using metal from firearms in lieu of more traditional road construction materials, such as concrete and asphalt, Schroder replied, “Who the hell cares about that crap?”

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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