by Mikel Albagdadi and Jacob Humphreys
Beginning next month, Louisiana residents who want to receive or renew their driver’s licenses must demonstrate nominal drunk-driving skills.
The state Office of Motor Vehicles announced that all license applicants will be required to show they can safely get behind the wheel after getting sloshed. Many law enforcement officials are excited about the new testing protocol.
“People need to know how to drive drunk; that way, they can stop bothering me with all these crashes at night while I’m trying to sleep,” East Baton Rouge Parish Sheriff Sid Gautreaux said while watching Die Hard in his unit.
“More DWIs mean more court cases. More court cases mean longer days, and longer days mean missing happy hour at Churchill’s. You follow me?” 19th Judicial District Court Judge Trudy White explained as she checked Instagram from the bench between hearings.
Both the applicant and the test giver begin by imbibing six Bud Lights and two shots of Crown Royal while watching Alabama head coach Nick Saban accept the national championship trophy.
OMV officials say all testing centers throughout the state will offer an open bar, where those seeking a learner’s permit must drink a 23.5-oz can of Four Loko and a half-liter water bottle filled with warm Taaka vodka before getting in the vehicle. In order to pass the test, the proctor must believe the driver is sober.
For a regular Class E license, both the applicant and the test giver begin by imbibing six Bud Lights and two shots of Crown Royal while watching Alabama head coach Nick Saban accept the national championship trophy. Then, together, they must start a fight with at least two Bama fans or the two closest random people wearing red shirts.
Immediately afterward, the applicant must demonstrate the ability to stumble to his or her vehicle, text his or her ex, and safely drive to the nearest Taco Bell. En route to the restaurant, the proctor will attempt to distract the applicant by being an annoying backseat driver, playing his mixtape on SoundCloud, and eventually vomiting in the glove box.
Finally, the driver must go through a sobriety checkpoint, where a police officer will administer a Breathalyzer test. If the driver is still considered legally impaired but has not crashed by that point, he or she will be classified as a fully certified drunk driver.
Those applying for a commercial driver’s license must follow the same testing protocol, except the amount of alcohol is tripled.
State-issued licenses will include a sobriety checkpoint punch card. Upon going through a fifth checkpoint while under the influence, drivers will be allowed to fire the officer’s service weapon and play with the sirens in a police cruiser. Going through 10 checkpoints while inebriated will earn a driver a position on the East Baton Rouge Parish Metro Council and a $25 Taco Bell gift certificate.