Danny Etling Tests Positive for Performance-Averaging Substances

Former LSU starting quarterback Danny Etling is continuing to whelm his fan base by testing positive for several performance-averaging substances.

The New England Patriots, who selected Etling in the seventh round of this year’s NFL draft, said they aren’t surprised by the former Purdue transfer’s drug tests.

“This doesn’t violate any league rules. It just confirms what we figured,” New England Director of Player Personnel Nick Caserio stated earlier today. “While we hoped Danny would strive for greatness, he’s doing his darnedest to be as middle-of-the-road as possible.”

Considered a four-star recruit coming out of high school, Etling has continually made strides to sink back to the middle of the pack by consuming bland, boring nutrients, according to those familiar with his dietary regimen.

“Etling comes in every day and gets the same original Chicken Sandwich, no pickle, and a cup of water. We call it the Etling special,” said Richard Find, a Chick-fil-A employee in Foxborough, MA. “He’ll eat by himself, usually staring at a blank wall. One time, he accidentally got a Spicy Chicken Sandwich, but he asked for an original because flavor hurts his tongue.”

“It’s no secret Etling has always wanted to be drafted by an NFL team and never play a regular season down, and with a consistently unimpressive pedigree, he may very well get that wish.”

Meanwhile, LSU head coach Ed Orgeron said the NFL rookie had similar dietary habits in college, and is optimistic about Etling’s chances to make the Patriots’ roster.

“Hellyeahgonnabegreatyearfotigah,” Orgeron insisted. “Eddlinggonnadoaproudfowallya, stayhaadantrowdatball, gotigah.”

Some columnists cite Etling’s transfer to LSU from Purdue as confirmation he strives to be in the middle of the pack among his peers.

“There’s no other conference that produces as many average quarterbacks as the SEC,” sportswriter Alex Gimmons said. “Etling was intrigued with the talent the conference produced, but no one can make a mediocre field general like LSU. From Tommy Hodson to professional backup Matt Flynn, LSU has a proud tradition of making bland, forgettable quarterbacks.”

Gimmons believes Etling will achieve his goal of mediocrity at the professional level.

“It’s no secret Etling has always wanted to be drafted by an NFL team and never play a regular season down, and with a consistently unimpressive pedigree, he may very well get that wish,” Gimmons explained. “After he’s released by the Patriots, the sky’s the limit. Arena football, Canadian football, and even Pros vs. Joes will be begging for Etling to be a backup.”

 

About Robert Rau

Robert Rau
Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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