Trump to NFL: Any Player Who Kneels During Anthem Has to Go Play Soccer

President Donald Trump has threatened to force NFL players to play soccer if they don’t stand during the national anthem.

“I’m serious: you kneel, you go play soccer,” the president tweeted, doubling down on his pro-standing position regarding national anthems. “And we won’t put you on one of those good teams overseas, we’re going to make you play American soccer. Some crummy MLS team like Minnesota United. What a stupid name, I would have called them the Minnesota Not Losers.”

The president spent the next four tweets coming up with better names before making comments about the movie Ladybugs.

While some feel this might be a needless distraction for the commander in chief, plenty of Trump supporters are backing this latest power move.

“Maybe making them run around without touching a ball with their hands will teach them not to disrespect our flag.”

“That will show those prima donnas who’s boss,” construction supervisor Tawney Fillis said. “Nothing makes me madder than seeing those good-for-nothing players take a knee during ‘The Star-Spangled Banner.’ Maybe making them run around without touching a ball with their hands will teach them not to disrespect our flag.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell also backs Trump’s proposed punishment for players who use the pregame ceremony to protest police brutality.

“We need to make it known this is a business, and in business, you have to make your sponsors happy,” Goodell explained. “If they aren’t happy, then no money. I like money. ‘Nuff said.”

The NFL Players Association believes Trump’s latest threat has gone too far.

“I would hope that we can work out some compromise,” said the union’s president, Eric Winston. “Maybe a more popular sport’s pro league would want some of our star athletes, but please, don’t make us play soccer. These players have families. Won’t you think of the children?”

Goodell said that if this form of punishment works for national anthem protests, he may seek to use it for other violations of league rules.

“We have a lot of infractions that just make me angry, but putting the fear of soccer in them should do the trick,” Goodell stated. “Now leave me alone. I’ve got to count more money.”


About Robert Rau

Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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