Trump Livid After Catching Melania Wistfully Smelling Obama’s Shirt

President Donald Trump is fuming after finding his wife, Melania, longingly sniffing a shirt left behind in the White House by former President Barack Obama.

White House aides say Trump discovered the first lady in a dark closet, where she was pressing against her face a baby blue, button-down shirt monogrammed with the initials BHO. After the president walked in on her, staffers say, an unfazed Mrs. Trump continued to inhale deeply as she nuzzled the garment, all while making unflinching side-eye contact with her husband.

“Mr. Trump basically got cuckolded by a ghost,” one White House source recounted. “It was like she was saying ‘Obama can satisfy me more than you ever could, and he’s not even here,’ all without ever uttering a single word to him.”

The president reportedly looked in the closet after hearing the muffled moans of his wife.

“I can’t quit you, Barry,” Trump heard his wife purr, the anonymous staffer reported. “I didn’t realize she had such a familiar relationship with Mr. Obama,” he added.

“The hardest part is not laughing out loud when he turns red and screams at us like an irate toddler because his wife not-so-secretly wants to bang a black guy he detests.”

The incident follows reports Trump lashed out at his wife and staffers because she was watching CNN on Air Force One. Some inside the Trump administration speculate it’s all part of a campaign by the first lady to get back at her husband for the myriad headlines involving payoffs he made to various women he slept with during their marriage.

“I’m starting to think she’s gaslighting him,” another presidential aide said. “There’s nothing like watching a troll get trolled by his own wife. The hardest part is not laughing out loud when he turns red and screams at us like an irate toddler because his wife not-so-secretly wants to bang a black guy he detests.”

Some presidential insiders now believe the first lady famously plagiarized Michelle Obama during her 2016 Republican National Convention speech as an attempt to send signals to the 44th president that, if things ever turn sour in his marriage, she’d be a suitable replacement for her predecessor.

Meanwhile, a few White House staffers believe Mrs. Trump may actually be trying to prompt a rage-induced, catastrophic illness in the 72-year-old junk food aficionado in the hopes of ultimately fulfilling her fantasies with Obama.

“I heard one of the first lady’s people say Mrs. Trump told the president that President Obama purposely left the shirt there to comfort her until they’re able to be together again,” a longtime member of the White House staff recalled. “One day, she’s going to make him so angry, either he’ll launch some nukes or all that KFC is finally going to catch up with his heart. I’m hoping for the latter.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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