Cassidy Gets Software Update Bolstering Trump Loyalty Imperative

Sen. Bill Cassidy received a software upgrade designed to ensure his ongoing, unconditional support of President Donald Trump, according to Cassidy’s office.

The Republican’s spokesman, John Cummins, said Cassidy underwent the five-hour procedure to install updated algorithms aimed at guaranteeing continued, consistent subservience to Trump. GOP software designers developed the package in light of increasingly troublesome comments and actions by the president.

“When we initially installed the Trump loyalty imperative program after the president beat Hillary (Clinton), we thought we had worked out all potential conflicts with the senator’s existing morality algorithm,” Cummins explained. “Turns out, we woefully underestimated the conditions Senator Cassidy would encounter during the president’s administration.”

In the latest update, Cummins said, developers drastically loosened Cassidy’s moral tolerances in order to prevent competing programs from giving conflicting commands that could prompt Cassidy’s operating system to crash.

“The last thing we need is a cascade failure causing a complete system shutdown. That would not go over well on C-SPAN2.”

“The guys dialed his morality parameters way, way back to avoid that program from interfering with his Trump loyalty imperative,” Cummins detailed. “The last thing we need is a cascade failure causing a complete system shutdown. That would not go over well on C-SPAN2.”

Cummins said there was also the risk of Cassidy becoming so conflicted by the president’s actions that his entire system could become irreparably corrupted.

“If that happened, we’d be looking at at least three days of downtime while we uploaded the senator’s most recent backup,” Cummins observed.

While the GOP doesn’t anticipate Cassidy needing another major upgrade for several months, Cummins said they are cautiously willing to further throttle Louisiana’s senior senator’s moral algorithm.

“If we have to dial his morality numbers back to barely above zero to ensure he never says anything remotely negative about President Trump, we’ll do it,” Cummins added. “I just hope he doesn’t kill us all.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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