Graves Denies Having Third Lobotomy to Remain Blindly Loyal to Trump

Congressman Garrret Graves insists he has undergone no more than two lobotomies to maintain his unconditional fealty to President Donald Trump.

The Republican from Baton Rouge vehemently denied reports this week that he had portions of his prefrontal cortex severed for a third time to ensure his conscience does not challenge the unwavering allegiance to the president that Graves has consistently demonstrated since Trump got elected.

“The idea that I would need to have a third lobotomy at this point of the Trump presidency is nothing short of ridiculous,” Graves claimed in a phone interview with a reporter from The Hill. “I’m confident the two lobotomies I’ve had since President Trump won the election are more than sufficient for me to remain absolutely loyal to him for the remainder of my current term in office.”

“When I realized my brain was rebelling against President Trump, I made sure it knew who the real boss is.”

Graves said he decided to have the first procedure shortly after the election when he began questioning certain statements and actions by Trump.

“When I realized my brain was rebelling against President Trump, I made sure it knew who the real boss is,” Graves explained. “I’m not going to let a little thing like a conscience or a fully functional frontal lobe prevent me from being a resolute sycophant the president can be proud of.”

A few months later, Graves underwent a second lobotomy “for good measure,” he stated.

“After that whole Helsinki thing with Putin, I’m really glad I invested in another one. If not for that second lobotomy, I’m not sure I could’ve bought President Trump’s explanation that he meant to say ‘wouldn’t,'” Graves speculated before adding, “The least I can do is make sure my fidelity to President Trump is as infallible as him.”

If his conscience starts troubling him regarding Trump’s actions, Graves said, he will immediately be lobotomized once more.

Kevin Roig, communications director for Graves, also told The Hill that his employer’s tenure as chairman of the Louisiana Coastal Protection and Restoration Authority during former Gov. Bobby Jindal’s administration developed Graves’ ability to deliver unequivocal devotion to Republican chief executives.

“Congressman Graves served a major role in Governor Jindal’s administration for six years. That in and of itself has roughly the same effect as a genuine lobotomy — maybe two or three, in some cases, like Timmy Teepell,” Roig said. “So really, all told, it’s like he’s had three lobotomies. That should be plenty enough for now.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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