Sen. Kennedy: I Went to Russia “on a Super-important, Super-secret Mission”

Louisiana’s junior senator says his visit to Russia with seven other GOP lawmakers was a ruse for a top-secret mission he isn’t allowed to discuss.

Sen. John Kennedy revealed to a group of reporters gathered in a hallway at the U.S. Capitol that he spent Independence Day in Moscow as a covert operative of an agency he’s not at liberty to disclose.

“Don’t tell anybody, but I was really on a super-important, super-secret mission,” Kennedy boasted to more than a dozen members of the congressional press corps. “I even drank weed killer before going there to build up my tolerance to polonium or whatever else the good, honorable, hard-working people of Russia are using nowadays.”

“I needed to learn certain code words and handshakes. I also had to memorize the location of some drop-off points for envelopes containing all sorts of important, top-secret stuff.”

While the delegation of seven senators and one congresswoman officially stated they went to improve relations between Russia and the U.S., Kennedy seems intent on bragging about a different motive for the visit.

“Without getting into specifics, I had been asked to relay a certain message to certain people in Russia,” Kennedy stated. “I needed to learn certain code words and handshakes. I also had to memorize the location of some drop-off points for envelopes containing all sorts of important, top-secret stuff.”

Kennedy added that, during the trip, he learned some useful phrases in Russian, such as “Where’s the can?” and “That boy couldn’t get a good bill passed if Lea’s Pies dusted it with titty sprinkles.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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