After an 18-month investigation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has determined that President Donald Trump irreparably tarnished World Wrestling Entertainment.
“The Battle of the Billionaires bout at WrestleMania 23, involving Donald Trump and Vince McMahon, was won unfairly,” Mueller said in a prepared statement. “For fear of having his head shaved, Trump knowingly fixed the wrestling match between Bobby Lashley and Umaga to his advantage, thus ensuring Mr. McMahon — not Mr. Trump — would lose his hair as a result.”
Mueller praised members of his team for putting in the untold hours necessary to get to the truth about this famous fight involving a future president’s hair.
“We scoured dozens of wrestling fan forums looking for the truth, but it was the WWE bio page that had the true smoking gun,” Mueller explained. “We found out that Trump Plaza was used for multiple previous WrestleMania events, giving Trump the connections necessary to control the outcome.”
The WWE also had something to gain in Trump winning this fight, Mueller concluded.
“We found out that Trump Plaza was used for multiple previous WrestleMania events, giving Trump the connections necessary to control the outcome.”
“For years, this organization was known as the World Wrestling Federation, but was forced to change to the WWE thanks to the World Wildlife Fund,” Mueller stated. “The WWE board knew, in order to get back their previous name, they would need to keep those in power happy, even if it meant allowing them to retain their lovely, flowing golden locks.”
News of the bout fixing has shocked the professional wrestling community.
“We have always considered Vince McMahon’s organization fair and just,” pediatrician and wresting enthusiast Paula Annet said. “But this sort of action really does make you stop and think. If they could fix this fight, what about the rest of them?”
While many in the wrestling community have called for Mueller to continue digging to expose potential corruption in their beloved sport, Mueller was adamant that his investigation is complete.
“Thanks for all the support, but my job is done,” Mueller said before strapping on a jet pack and flying away from the press conference.