Trump to Deport Immigrants Buried in Arlington Cemetery

President Donald Trump announced that his administration soon will begin exhuming and deporting the remains of every foreign-born person buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

Trump told a gaggle of reporters on the south lawn of the White House that he has instructed the U.S. Department of Homeland Security to dig up and expatriate the myriad corpses of immigrants interred at the 624-acre military cemetery.

“Very soon, every foreigner taking up hallowed ground at Arlington will be removed and deported to make room for real American corpses,” Trump said on his way to board Marine One. “Only real American heroes should be buried there, like Ted Nugent. Good man. Saved many, many Americans from catching cat scratch fever.”

“ICE will send the bodies back to wherever they originally came from, probably. I don’t know. Maybe. We’ll see what happens.”

The president later explained that officials with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement will make at least a half-assed effort to return each person’s remains to the appropriate country of origin.

“ICE will send the bodies back to wherever they originally came from, probably. I don’t know. Maybe. We’ll see what happens,” Trump clarified. “In any case, it’s prime real estate. And I know prime real estate when I see it.”

Later, the president added, “I’d say I should be buried there, but we all know I’m never going to die.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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