President Donald Trump signed an executive order creating the $69 bill, featuring his image, to celebrate his first term in the White House.
“Very excited for this new product, I expect to sell a bunch of these bills,” the president tweeted. “Think about it, man. My face on money, it’s perfect. My face should be on all money, but especially this bill because it means so much to me.”
Trump supporters were quick to agree with the president, replying with “Nice” and “Niiiiice” when hearing the news.
Despite the millions of dollars it will cost the U.S. Treasury Department’s Bureau of Engraving and Printing to create and produce the new $69 denomination, White House officials are cautiously optimistic.
“President Trump deserves to be remembered forever, and this is the most fitting tribute,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “We couldn’t be prouder to have this man’s visage on what certainly will be the most popular form of legal tender.”
“We thought about a stamp, but the president worried he might have to be dead for that to work; and he didn’t like coins, because that’s too loud and poor.”
Several other forms of tribute to Trump were considered, but most were rejected.
“We thought about a stamp, but the president worried he might have to be dead for that to work; and he didn’t like coins, because that’s too loud and poor,” Sanders explained before pausing a few seconds for laughter from the White House press corps. “Frankly, this choice just makes the most sense.”
Trump’s opponents, on the other hand, argue the new denomination will expose one of our nation’s greatest weaknesses: math skills of fast-food workers.
“Cashiers at many establishments have a hard time trying to break a twenty. This is just going to give them fits,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said. “I just think about the face they make when I hand them a penny. It’s like they have no idea what to do with it. Those poor souls.”
Indications of what would appear on the opposite side of the bill have been cryptic.
“I know what I want *wink*,” the president posted to Twitter, along with various emojis incomprehensible to us because no one at The Red Shtick is under 30 years of age.
Weirdos who collect this sort of thing are excited to finally have a new bill introduced but are concerned about the steep asking price.
“The mint insists on selling this $69 bill for 200 bucks. Who wants to do that? What happened to asking face value? I thought scalping was illegal,” money hoarder Gill Himmons complained. “I mean, the thing should be worth what it says. If they’re going to be like that, I’m not buying more than five of these new bills.”