Scalise Trying Hard to Prove He Remains Empathy-free, Untainted by Blood From Donors With Souls

Congressman Steve Scalise is working overtime to convince fellow Republicans that his blood is uncorrupted by empathy potentially contracted through a score of blood transfusions after he was shot in the hip in 2017.

The House Majority Whip is reportedly trying to act extra heartless around his colleagues amid suspicions by some in the GOP establishment that Scalise’s notably soulless being may have been contaminated with compassion by one of the 20 pints of blood he received to save his empathy-free life.

Sources on Capitol Hill say Scalise, who was among four people shot at a practice session ahead of the 2017 Congressional Baseball Game, is out to prove he remains as purely heartless as the Slidell congressman was when he first got elected, and is therefore still qualified to be the third-most powerful Republican in the House of Representatives.

“The other day, he didn’t cut any slack for an intern who was late because her cat got out and was killed by a car,” House staffer Betsy Herndon said of the man who once described himself as “David Duke without the baggage.” “He chewed her out and lectured her about taking responsibility for not only her life but the lives of those she’s chosen to care for in this world.”

“Steve announced he wasn’t seeking the speakership after learning Kevin (McCarthy) helped convince everybody they couldn’t risk handing the gavel to someone possibly tinged with even a fraction of an ounce of compassion.”

Reports say top Republicans, like House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, are worried Scalise may secretly be suffering side effects potentially associated with receiving blood donated by the general, soul-possessing public.

“They ended up giving him 20 units,” McCarthy reportedly said during a closed-door meeting of the GOP’s top brass, explaining the need to use possibly pity-filled blood. “We only had six pints of his type in our bank,” he added, referencing the Republican congressional blood reserve, consisting entirely of 100% compassion-free blood siphoned from Republican members of Congress. “That’s 14 opportunities for some pussy with a conscience out there to infect Scalise.”

Some suspect these worries led McCarthy and other party leaders to scuttle Scalise’s widely anticipated bid to replace Paul Ryan as speaker of the House.

“Steve announced he wasn’t seeking the speakership after learning Kevin helped convince everybody they couldn’t risk handing the gavel to someone possibly tinged with even a fraction of an ounce of compassion, and now Kevin is the front-runner for the job,” an anonymous Republican member of Congress explained. “The blood transfusions disqualified him. If not for that, I think he would’ve won.”

Ryan reportedly is already grooming McCarthy to replace him by teaching the Southern Californian how to filter out all traces of empathy from blood while sucking it out of his countless, faceless, soon-to-be victims.

On a related note, all 14 donors with souls whose blood was given to Scalise have asked for their pint back.

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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