Rep. Garret Graves Sold Spine for Beer Money in College

Congressman Garret Graves sold his backbone in exchange for $50 he used to buy alcohol while attending the University of Alabama in the early 1990s.

As a student in Tuscaloosa, Graves agreed to have his spine surgically removed in exchange for desperately needed discretionary funds, according to several classmates.

“They wouldn’t let him sell any more plasma for booze because he had already given like three times that week,” recalled Ben Locke, who frequently associated with Graves at Alabama. “That’s when he offered up his spine. I have no idea why the plasma bank agreed to the deal or what they did with his backbone, but they sure as hell took it.”

Surgeons replaced Graves’ spine with a long stick they shoved up his ass to hold his torso upright.

“Even back then, that dude was way too willing to sell his spine,” Martin Harrison recalled. “And for what? Fifty bucks for beer? Shit, you can’t even get a decent keg for that amount.”

Another person who socialized with the Republican from Baton Rouge during their college years said surgeons replaced Graves’ spine with a long stick they shoved up his ass to hold his torso upright.

Some observers on Capitol Hill note the procedure has likely benefited the congressman’s relationship with President Donald Trump, citing reports Graves has since traded the stick originally inserted by surgeons for an arm of the White House.

“Having absolutely no backbone has made him one of the president’s most valuable assets in Congress,” political columnist Bill Press explained. “That’s right: I said ‘assets.'”

As of press time, Graves has yet to deny he is a spineless mammal being manipulated by the Trump administration.

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

Check Also

CDC Warns Tailgaters of Party Parasites Eating Food, Drinking Liquor

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has warned all tailgate partygoers to be on the lookout this football season for what it is calling “party parasites.”