Vegetarian Board OKs Eating Meat of Animals Convicted of Sex Crimes

The board of the Vegetarian and Vegan Society gave a thumbs-up to consuming meat so long as the animal in question has been tried and convicted of a sex offense.

The unanimous vote came last week at the VVS’ annual meeting in Bristol, England, where board members explained their reasoning for adding the flesh of animals found guilty of sexual misconduct to vegetarian and vegan diets.

“We feel that the updated definition still maintains the values of our organization,” head chairperson Mel Rennith said. “While we are against eating any living creature, these animals might as well be dead to us, and then consumed.”

The society plans to fund a special warehouse for these convicted critters, where they will be shamed and ridiculed before their slaughter.

“We want their end to be both physical and mental, because we find that shame and regret really brings out the flavor in these animals,” Rennith explained. “Plus, it makes us feel awesome that we can instill this little piece of revenge while getting our daily dose of protein.”

“We find that shame and regret really brings out the flavor in these animals.”

This new declaration has been met with some confusion by many of America’s meat producers.

“We need to know where they draw the line,” chicken farmer Fran Tennelson insisted. “Even if we’re only concerned with convictions, and there’s no appeal process or chance of a retrial, I don’t think our industry can match the demand for this sin meat. We just want to make sure these beasts have had their day in court.”

To make the public aware of this decision, the FDA has agreed to include a sticker on this specialized product that includes all of the animal’s offenses. The meat of those convicted of more heinous sex crimes could yield much higher profits.

“We are working with Whole Foods on being our sole distributor,” Rennith said. “They seem really excited.”

Both vegetarians and nonvegetarians alike seem to be onboard with these changes.

“I’ve been a vegetarian most of my adult life, and I’m fine with adding sex-crime-convicted meat to my lifestyle,” nutritionist Fen Jenkins said. “That being said, I’m game to try this out as long as I won’t be judged by my vegetarian brethren.”

 

About Robert Rau

Robert Rau
Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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