Trump Pardons Dr. Octopus After Plea for Clemency by Emma Frost

Following a meeting with superhero mutant Emma Frost, President Donald Trump pardoned the noted supervillain Doctor Octopus of myriad crimes dating back to 1963.

Clemency came for Octopus, born Otto Octavius in Schenectady, NY, after a federal grand jury indicted him on numerous charges relating to a decadeslong career of eight-limbed criminal activity.

The White House announced that Trump issued the pardon just hours after he entertained Frost, of X-Men fame, in the Oval Office for nearly an hour. The urbane telepath went into the meeting intent on lobbying for a presidential pardon for Octopus.

With the aid of a prepared statement, Trump later spoke on the matter to reporters gathered in the East Room of the White House.

“Doctor Octopus – or ‘Dock Ock,’ as his friends call him – is a super-smart science guy who’s served his time in relative obscurity in the Marvel Cinematic Universe,” Trump stated. “I want to thank the beautiful Emma Frost: smart girl who went to Empire State University. Great school. She brought this issue before me so I could have a good, long look at it. And, boy, did I look at it. Long and hard.”

“Has he done some bad stuff? Maybe. But he’s also dedicated so, so much of his time trying to kill Spider-Man. I don’t see that as bad. I hate spiders. Almost as much as sharks.”

When asked why he thought Octopus was deserving of being pardoned after living most of his existence as a supervillain, Trump replied, “Has he done some bad stuff? Maybe. But he’s also dedicated so, so much of his time trying to kill Spider-Man. I don’t see that as bad. I hate spiders. Almost as much as sharks.”

Trump then began to speculate about making Octopus a member of his cabinet.

“He’s a doctor who started his career by taking over an entire hospital. Who knows? Maybe he could lead the VA,” Trump explained. “He’s really super-smart when it comes to prosthetics, and we have a bunch of vets who could use some nice ones. With the claw things, they could defend America’s schoolchildren and pick up trash along roadways. I mean, what else do they have going on?”

White House observers speculate Trump may have issued the pardon not because of the merits of the case but because he was mesmerized by the woman known by some as the “white queen.”

As for Frost, she remained cool on the topic when asked whether she used her ample telepathic powers to coerce Trump into granting the pardon.

“I do have other gifts, you know.”

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

Check Also

GUEST COLUMN: I’m Sorry for Cursing While Choking a Bitch – Connie Bernard, EBR School Board VP

I would like to apologize for my language heard in that video of me choking that little bitch who took my cellphone.