Trump Says Pardon Outlaws Thinking of D’Souza as Convicted Felon

President Donald Trump believes that, by pardoning someone convicted of a felony, he has made it illegal for people to continue thinking of that person as a convicted felon.

Trump explained to reporters gathered on the White House South Lawn the legal rationale behind his assumption that he can outlaw certain thoughts.

“I see people in the dishonest media still calling Dinesh D’Souza a convicted felon even though I pardoned him. They can’t do that anymore now that I pardoned him. I believe it’s illegal to even think of him as a convicted felon,” Trump said just before boarding Marine One.

“You ever see those ServPro commercials? I see them all the time on Fox & Friends. Their motto is ‘Like It Never Even Happened.’ That’s how it is when I pardon someone.”

The president went on to claim that pardoning the likes of D’Souza, who pleaded guilty to campaign finance fraud in 2014, is the legal equivalent of a fire and water damage restoration company’s tagline.

“You ever see those ServPro commercials? I see them all the time on Fox & Friends. Their motto is ‘Like It Never Even Happened.’ That’s how it is when I pardon someone,” Trump explained.

When asked how the government could enforce restrictions on people’s thoughts, he replied, “President Xi Jinping, of China, said he’s willing to share their technology with us. By the way, in a totally unrelated matter, we’re going to do everything we can do to help the Chinese company ZTE.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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