All Americans Over 40 Download Ransomware Disguised as Video of Teens Eating Tide Pods

Every computer in the U.S. operated by someone over the age of 40 has been compromised with malicious software disguised as a video promising to show teenagers eating Tide Pods, according to the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

The FBI says files on millions of computers in both the private and public sectors have been encrypted by the ransomware known as FUOldFarts, which apparently was designed to target Americans who revel in castigating younger generations as a bunch of attention-seeking dumbasses.

Scott Smith, assistant director of the FBI’s Cyber Division, said the cryptoviral extortion software was spread via an email message with the subject line “WATCH THIS VIDEO OF STUPID TEENS EATING TIDE PODS.” According to Smith, the message was forwarded to every person over 40 years old at least three times.

“Users unknowingly infected their machines by clicking the link in the email message, expecting to see a video of teenagers eating Tide Pods,” Smith told reporters. “However, instead of viewing young people eating laundry detergent ostensibly for clicks, they downloaded the ransomware.”

“They’ll release a user’s files only if that person publicly posts a video of him- or herself saying ‘I’m a gullible old fart who will die alone in a substandard nursing home’ before eating a Tide Pod.”

Smith said the infected computers immediately alerted users to the unwittingly installed ransomware by displaying a full-screen message declaring “ALL YOUR FILES HAVE BEEN ENCRYPTED BECAUSE YOU’RE A GULLIBLE OLD FART WHO WILL DIE ALONE IN A SUBSTANDARD NURSING HOME.”

No computer operated by someone older than 40 has been spared from FUOldFarts, according to Smith.

“It doesn’t matter if the computer belongs to an individual, a company, or a government agency. If the operator’s over 40 years of age, it’s been infected,” he explained.

Smith said that while ransomware designers typically seek to extort money from users in return for decrypting their computer files, FUOldFart’s designers are demanding something a bit more unorthodox.

“They say they’ll release a user’s files only if that person publicly posts a video of him- or herself saying ‘I’m a gullible old fart who will die alone in a substandard nursing home’ before eating a Tide Pod,” Smith stated.

When asked if his computer was one of those compromised by the ransomware, Smith replied, “No comment.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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