Mafia Upset With Being Compared to Trump, Associates

Leaders of various American crime syndicates are not happy with comparisons drawn between their enterprises and those of President Donald Trump and his associates.

Mafia leaders are expressing umbrage as a growing number of media members compare the developments involving Trump, his personal attorney and close friend Michael Cohen, and Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation to the practices of notorious crime organizations.

“We take great offense at the notion that our highly respected conglomerate of legitimate business people is no better than this group of clowns surrounding, and including, the president,” said Salvatore “Mr. Sal” Franco, a capo of the Gambino crime family’s Manhattan crew.

Some prominent mob figures insist the legal issues involving Trump and his associates are far more nefarious than anything their syndicates have ever done.

“We’ve taken lots of money from lots of people, but we’d never take money from the Russians. We’re better than that.”

“What kind of lowlife takes money from wealthy Russians? Do you have any idea where that money comes from?” Philadelphia Mafia boss Joseph “Skinny Joey” Merlino asked. “We’ve taken lots of money from lots of people, but we’d never take money from the Russians. We’re better than that.”

“You’d have to be an idiot to get involved with the Russians,” DeCavalcante crime family underboss Joseph “Joe the Old Man” Miranda explained. “They’re absolutely ruthless. And I say that as someone who has people killed all the time. Allegedly.”

Other Mafia leaders maintain that the acumen demonstrated by Cohen invalidates any comparison between Trump’s longtime fixer and their members.

“I’m not saying we launder money, but if we did, we would be so much better at it than Michael Cohen,” said Dominick “Quiet Dom” Cirillo, consigliere of the Genovese crime family. “If we wanted to, we could do it for decades without ever getting caught. In fact, I’d say I’ve forgotten more about money laundering than Michael Cohen ever knew, if we did that sort of thing, which we don’t.”


About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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