New Louisiana Law Classifies Lowe’s Stores as Bird Sanctuaries

Over the past few decades, Lowe’s Home Improvement stores around the country have unexpectedly become a haven for scores of various species of stupid birds. Now, thanks to legislation passed this week by state lawmakers, these moronic creatures living in the retail giant’s Louisiana locations, instead of in the wild as nature intended, will be protected under state law.

“We were fully aware of the amount of dumb luck Lowe’s has had getting various wildlife,” said state Rep. Major Thibaut, of New Roads. “Frankly, their stores just have a wider variety of animals than some of our state protected lands. It just made sense to give them the same protection as the smarter, more conventional wildlife.”

While Lowe’s isn’t the only big box store that’s home to confused animals somehow thriving inside a confined space not designed for their benefit, their buildings seem to serve as ideal avian shelters.

“Awww, man. I was really looking forward to shooting some of these critters.”

“We can’t explain it. They just love it here,” Baton Rouge Lowe’s employee Heather Sullins said. “We’ve done our darnedest to get them to leave, but they keep coming back. And to be fair, who would want to leave this place?” Sullins added with a sly grin as she nudged this reporter in the ribs.

Male white-crowned sparrow (Zonotrichia leucophrys) inside a Lowe’s store

The new law won’t go into effect until the beginning of next year, but Lowe’s is wasting no time in adjusting to its new classification as a bird sanctuary.

“We’re already setting up park benches, water fountains, and a birdseed vending machine in our store,” Sullins said. “Employees have been given incentives to find more wildlife. Management’s equipped us with binoculars and maps of the inside of the stores so we can help out some of our new clientele. Even if this is a scam for them to sell more gift certificates around town, it doesn’t hurt to give us something to do other than making new house keys.”

While the company is embracing the new law, some Lowe’s customers are disappointed.

“Awww, man. I was really looking forward to shooting some of these critters,” Dave Hiddles said. “I got a buddy who works here, and he was going to get a bunch of us to come in after hours to help them with their bird problem. Guess all I’ve got now is Home Depot.”


About Robert Rau

Robert Rau
Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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