Secretary of State Tom Schedler Resigns to Spend More Time on Tinder

Louisiana Secretary of State Tom Schedler has announced that he is resigning from office to focus on finding the right person with whom to engage in an extramarital affair.

Schedler, who’s been dogged by allegations he sexually harassed an employee, said in his resignation letter that he can no longer fulfill the duties of the office to which he was elected while also chasing tail.

In his letter, the married Republican expressed regret over trying to juggle his responsibilities as secretary of state with the demands of pursuing in-office pussy, adding that he intends to dedicate much of his time to the dating app Tinder.

“I’m leaving office because finding the right woman who isn’t my wife is a full-time commitment.”

“I let myself down, along with my friends and family,” the letter states. “I know that if given another opportunity, I can create the right kind of user experience women expect and deserve from extramarital affairs. I also know how to keep it quiet from now on.”

Schedler also apologized to the voters who trusted his status as a creepy horndog wouldn’t interfere with his ability to be secretary of state.

“I now realize I’m no Edwin Edwards. I need to take stock of my values and create the right kind of dating profile. I’m leaving office because finding the right woman who isn’t my wife is a full-time commitment.”

The 68-year-old Schedler ended his resignation letter with an optimistic tone.

“I’m confident I’ll find the right fling for me. Maybe even one who isn’t a subordinate.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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