An eight-month investigation launched by the LSU Athletic Department has found the school’s live tiger mascot, Mike VII, to be compromised by a video showing him urinating on multiple people.
LSU Athletic Director Joe Alleva appointed former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as special counsel to head the investigation just days after first hearing about the video.
“It is the decision of this counsel that, based on this video, Mike VII does not have LSU’s interests at heart,” Rice said in a prepared statement. “We now expect LSU and its personnel to handle this matter professionally and with little to no public shaming.”
The video first gained notoriety shortly after the university introduced the Bengal-Siberian hybrid as its new live mascot.
“We treated all this talk as nothing more than rumor,” Alleva said. “We figured other people were just jealous of our new Mike, like the owner of that gas station in Grosse Tete. They couldn’t believe we would get such a smart and successful tiger for the position. Boy, were we wrong.”
“It is the decision of this counsel that, based on this video, Mike VII does not have LSU’s interests at heart.”
The rumors lead to speculation, especially after the untimely exit of former LSU football Offensive Coordinator Matt Canada.
“At the time, we believed it was in our best interest to part ways with Canada, but were completely naive about the influence our new mascot had over our decision,” Alleva explained. “For this creature to have enough sway to convince us to move on from a first-year coach is certainly troubling.”
Alleva added there were other signs of questionable loyalty that prompted the Athletic Department to appoint the special counsel.
“Mike wasn’t being a team player. He never attended football games, would sulk in the back of the cage, and he didn’t even eat the baby elephant we prepared for him for the Alabama game. That’s when we knew there was a problem.”
When asked about the motivation behind the actual pee act captured on the video, Rice was unsure.
“Mike refuses to grant us an interview, so we can only speculate,” she answered. “We think it’s either revenge or boredom, but it certainly isn’t sexual.”
Rice also stated that they aren’t sure of the identity of the apparent blackmailers who released the video.
“The problem with LSU is that no one considers them their rival, and we don’t think this comes from another Louisiana institution, because who really cares?”
But these findings haven’t convinced all the LSU faithful, who remain loyal fans of Mike VII.
“That’s ridiculous that a tiger would be ashamed of peeing on anyone or anything,” LSU graduate Gale Ressins said. “Have you been to the zoo? It’s like a rite of passage for the tigers to get at least a little pee on the people watching them. Frankly, it’s the fault of anyone dumb enough to be in the splash zone.”