After months of litigation, local retailer Simple Simon Tire has been forced to change its name to “Mentally Challenged Simon Tire.”
A spokesman for The ARC of the United States referenced Simple Simon’s decades of advertisements on Baton Rouge airwaves featuring owner and founder Bill Simon.
“This wasn’t an easy decision, but after watching all those commercials, we had no choice. Our organization has hours of footage of a deranged man dressing up as ladies and children in order to sell tires,” Ted Sunter said. “We had to do something.”
Sunter added that the federal jury hearing the case was forced to view “horrific footage of an unfit individual barking orders to his employees while wearing ridiculous outfits.”
“I’ve seen some pretty messed-up things, but this was unbearable,” juror Susan Hoffs recalled. “We had to replace two people on the panel after they were hospitalized and treated for mental anguish. I hope that our actions will prevent others from suffering the same fate, and that Mr. Simon will finally get the treatment he needs.”
“I did use all those commercials as an excuse to dress up in all those fancy clothes, but that doesn’t mean I’m not right in the head.”
While the decision alters his company’s name, Simon still will be allowed to run the day-to-day operations of his two Baton Rouge locations. Nevertheless, he was distraught after learning the jury’s verdict.
“I just liked the sound of it,” Simon said in a press conference earlier today. “Who doesn’t like alliteration? And yes, I did use all those commercials as an excuse to dress up in all those fancy clothes, but that doesn’t mean I’m not right in the head.”
The verdict was met with a chorus of boos, and debris was hurled at the judge.
“That judge needed to get Simon some help,” said Gail Resille, who attended the proceedings. “I can’t help but think of all the pain and suffering Simon is causing his family.” Resille then broke down in tears.
Even with the name change, Simon is confident he can continue to provide the Baton Rouge area with great tires at affordable prices.
“I’m sorry you don’t like the commercials; I just needed to blow off some steam,” Simon insisted. “Plus, I think I look pretty good as a lady.”