Fred’s in Tigerland Becomes Safest Place to Black Out

by Mikel Albagdadi and Jacob Humphreys

Due to the increase of crime in Tigerland, the venerable frat boy destination Fred’s has decided to up its security standards in hopes of making bargoers feel safe while getting sloshed.

“It really breaks my heart watching these kids fight every night. How hard is it to get in your car and drive home drunk?” Fred’s longtime owner Marc Fraioli asked, according to The Daily Reveille.

The popular bar now will limit fraternities to 50 fights per semester with no rollover. Fraioli said he hopes this will reduce violence while keeping the aggressive atmosphere his popular bar has worked so hard to maintain.

The Red Shtick reached out to Interfraternity Council President Christopher Dupre, who remarked about the 50-fight limit, “That’s a little low, but we’ll manage.”

At the end of the night, Fred’s will give each person leaving the bar a knife in hopes that they will get home safe.

Fraioli also has agreed to take away bathroom signs in an attempt to promote gender equality.

“I dream of a bar where patrons can throw up in any bathroom they want,” he explained.

Fraioli also is in talks with Cajun Constructors about potentially designing a unisex puke trough where anyone can throw up. He said he plans to place these puke troughs strategically throughout the bar.

Fred’s infamous ladies night now will have a parking lot therapist, Susan Hanky, to console any girl who’s had a rough night. Hanky was unavailable for comment, but The Red Shtick spoke with LSU student Molly Maggio, who said, “Not only did Susan help me get over my breakup with Brad, but I also realized I have daddy issues. Thanks, Fred’s!”

In order to ensure the well-being of each patron, at the end of the night, Fred’s will give each person leaving the bar a knife in hopes that they will get home safe.

Baton Rouge Police Chief Murphy Paul supports this proposal, adding, “If everyone has a knife, it’s like no one has a knife.”

When reached for comment, the management at neighboring bar Reggie’s said they have plans to “change nothing at all.”


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