MARCH HORRORSCOPES: Easter Fools

Welcome to spring, a season that is as relevant as the concept of legalized marijuana or the separation of church and state to those of us living in the South. The only thing about this time of year we in Louisiana care about is whether we’re going to be sweltering or freezing during our first crawfish boil.

Something we should all care about this year is the fact that Easter lands on April Fools’ Day (an occurrence that won’t happen again until 2029). The blending of a holiday that involves hiding eggs full of “surprises” with a holiday dedicated to practical jokes should be a no-brainer.

However, if you’re feeling the pressure of the fast-approaching magic Sunday, fear not. The Red Shtick is here to help you with a basket full of ideas about what to stuff into those drugstore plastic eggs.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): Rabbit Droppings — “What’d the Easter Bunny leave me?!” “The same thing rabbits leave everyone, Jimmy.”

TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): Egg Yolks — It seems so obvious, but that’s what makes this such an elegant option. I mean, really, what did you expect?

GEMINI (May 22-June 21): Nothing — Hiding an empty egg works best if that egg is one of the large, golden, glitter-covered eggs meant to contain cash or gift cards. Be sure to place this egg somewhere out of reach where it requires substantial effort and possible physical harm to obtain.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): Baby Snakes — Teach a child about the magic of reptilian reproduction. Some snakes give live birth, it’s true, but that’s only about 30%. It’s not like their little fangs can do much harm at that size, anyway.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): Farts — You might think a fart would dissipate mere minutes after being “placed” into a plastic egg. You’d be right. That’s why it’s important to quickly cover the egg in cling wrap. Even if they can’t smell it after opening, they’ll know what happened. That’s a dirty that doesn’t wash away.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): Pennies — “Ohhhh, there’s money in this one! Oh…” Be that adult in their life.

LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): Baby Carrots — The Easter Bunny loves you so much he decided to share his lunch. Doesn’t that make you happy? Thank the Easter Bunny, lest you seem ungrateful.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Glitter — Filling an egg with glitter, like giving a drum kit, is something one does for the parents of a child more than for the child itself.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): $100 Bill — The cruelest thing you can do to a child is give her something amazing while those around her suffer. Imagine the seething spark of hate that is ignited in the soul of an 8-year-old who sees her once best friend open an egg with a crisp new C-note in it mere seconds after she herself opened an egg full of farts. That grows into a fire that consumes a lifetime and culminates with a drunken rant from the bridesmaids’ table at a wedding reception.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): The Flu — Find a friend currently suffering from influenza and get them to sneeze all over a basket of rose petals. While wearing rubber gloves, place the rose petals into eggs. Voila! A kid opens the egg and immediately smells the pretty flowers. You’re a terrible person.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Bees — Did you know you can order bees online and receive them in the mail? Yep.

PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): Mayonnaise — There are two schools of thought when it comes to putting mayonnaise inside a plastic egg (aka deviling). The natural inclination is to fill the egg completely, leading to a slimy plop of warm mayo in the lap of the opener. However, there is satisfaction to spreading a thin layer of mayo inside the egg: It will warm more quickly, the space inside allows for more odor to collect, and — the naturally curious monkeys that children are — the finder is likely to wipe their finger along the inside of the egg in an attempt to discover what the substance is.

 

About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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