House Guest Worried Toilet Didn’t Flush Completely

An area man visiting a friend’s house is growing concerned that the toilet he used earlier may not have completely flushed away the massive amount of waste he deposited.

Baton Rouge native and resident Joel Hunter, who stopped by a coworker’s home to discuss an ongoing project, is worried the commode in his colleague’s guest bathroom failed to fully evacuate the massive dump he took moments ago.

Hunter gained permission from the homeowner, Lawrence Melancon, to use the facilities when he could no longer resist the urge to expel the gurgling contents of his bowels. During an extended stay on the low-flow toilet, Hunter proceeded to defecate enough solid waste to break the water line in the bowl.

“That was at least a double-flusher, even for a full-on, 1.6-gallon American Standard commode.”

In the interest of expediting his return to his conversation with Melancon, the 37-year-old engineer decided to forgo investing extra time in the restroom to ensure the foul contents were sufficiently flushed down the drain before exiting the facility.

“There’s no way that hippie toilet flushed all of that shit on just one try,” a doubtful Hunter says to himself as Melancon steadily pores over work documents. “That was at least a double-flusher, even for a full-on, 1.6-gallon American Standard commode.”

Hunter has tried in the past few minutes to come up with a passable excuse to return to the restroom to determine if his worst fears are true, but has failed to do so. Moreover, even if he does conjure up a legitimate-sounding reason to go back, he fears what questions may arise if Melancon hears him flush the toilet again.

“What could I possibly need to do in there right now that would require flushing the toilet that I didn’t already do like five minutes ago?” Hunter asks himself, feigning interest in his coworker’s observations about the multimillion-dollar project he came by to discuss.

In addition to regretting not confirming that Melancon’s toilet completely flushed, Hunter is mentally kicking himself for his culinary choices earlier in the day, which he believes led to the immense bowel movement he just had.

“What kind of idiot stops at Starbuck’s for a triple-shot espresso to stay awake after three trips to a Chinese buffet for lunch?” Hunter wonders to himself while nodding affirmatively to whatever Melancon is saying. “This idiot. That’s who.”


About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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