Trump Awards Self With Medal of Honor for Unrealized Heroism

President Donald Trump awarded himself the Medal of Honor for the conspicuous valor he totally would have shown had he been at a mass shooting at a South Florida high school.

In a ceremony at the White House, Trump bestowed upon himself the nation’s highest decoration to recognize the assumed conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity he would have demonstrated at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School when a gunman killed 17 people.

“To many people, I have always been their boss, ‘Mr. Trump.’ Since I totally demolished Crooked Hillary, I’ve been ‘Mr. President.’ But today, in 320 million grateful hearts, I have a new, immortal title — and that title is ‘total badass,'” Trump said at Monday’s ceremony.

Trump expressed sympathy for countless Americans who weren’t able to show the world how heroic they imagine they’d be in a similar situation.

The president told those gathered in the East Room how an unarmed Trump would have saved untold lives had he been present when the shooting occurred on February 14.

“I would have run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon,” Trump stated. “It doesn’t matter how many guns and how much ammunition that sicko had; I would have risked my life to save those students and teachers. I would’ve busted up in there under fire, grabbed the guns from him, and totally taken him out. I probably would’ve taken a few rounds in the process, but I would’ve shown exceptional bravery by ignoring the pain and severe blood loss.”

Calling the ceremony a “humbling” experience, Trump expressed sympathy for countless Americans who weren’t able to show the world how heroic they imagine they’d be in a similar situation.

“This medal is about badassery — a badassery so deep in the souls of millions of men and women who sadly haven’t had the chance to be a hero,” Trump added. “I will do my best to represent those Americans as the caretaker of this symbol of the courage and action beyond the call of duty I absolutely would have shown.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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